Couples Therapy for Dealing with Parenting Conflicts

Thursday, February 13, 2025. This is also for David & Amy.

Nothing shatters the dream of a perfect family quite like the moment you and your partner realize you have completely different ideas about how to raise a child.

One of you is convinced the kid needs strict discipline; the other wants to build a Montessori utopia in the living room.

One thinks screen time is evil, the other is Googling “best YouTube channels for toddlers.” Welcome to parenting conflict—where good intentions collide, and resentment simmers like an unattended pot on the stove.

Good news: Couples therapy helps.

Research shows that couples who attend therapy to manage parenting disagreements experience better marital satisfaction, reduced conflict, and improved co-parenting dynamics (Halford et al., 2017).

The bad news? You and your partner have to get on the same page first.

Step 1: Admit That You’re Both Right (and Wrong)

Dr. John Gottman (1999) found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual—meaning you will likely never see eye to eye on some parenting topics. But therapy can help couples navigate differences without destroying their relationship (Lebow et al., 2012). Instead of fighting to win, therapy shifts the goal to understanding each other’s values.

Step 2: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable Science

• Parents who argue frequently about child-rearing have kids with higher stress levels (Levenson et al., 2020). Congratulations—you’re not just irritating each other; you’re shaping your child’s nervous system.

• Parenting conflicts that remain unresolved predict higher divorce rates (Markman et al., 2010).

• Couples therapy helps parents learn collaborative problem-solving, reducing stress and increasing relationship satisfaction (Doss et al., 2009).

Step 3: The Art of Parenting Compromise (or, How to Lose Gracefully)

Therapy helps partners shift from "my way vs. your way" to "what actually works for our kid?"

The best co-parents aren’t the ones who win every argument—they’re the ones who create a parenting strategy that doesn’t make their home feel like a battleground. According to Johnson et al. (2019), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches couples to recognize emotional triggers and find common ground.

Step 4: The Neurodiverse Factor—Parenting with ADD, ADHD, and Autism in the Mix

Parenting is hard enough when both parents are neurotypical, but when ADD, ADHD, or autism are present in either the parents or the children, conflicts can take on an entirely new dimension.

• Differing Parenting Styles: A neurodiverse parent may prefer structure and predictability, while a neurotypical parent might lean into flexibility and spontaneity, leading to frustration on both sides (Brown et al., 2018).

• Sensory Overload: A parent with ADHD or sensory sensitivities may struggle with noise and chaos, while their partner may not understand why a meltdown follows an innocent trip to the playground (Matson & Sturmey, 2020).

• Discipline Dilemmas: Traditional discipline methods often don’t work for neurodiverse children, making one parent seem “too strict” and the other “too lenient” (Kirkham, 2017).

Couples therapy offers strategies to balance these differences and work with, rather than against, neurodiverse needs. Therapists trained in neurodiverse family dynamics can help couples establish co-parenting methods that account for both sensory and executive functioning challenges (Singer, 2019).

Step 5: Address the Common Excuses for Avoiding Therapy

• “We should be able to figure this out on our own.” Yes, and yet here we are. Research shows that couples who engage in structured conflict resolution strategies have healthier marriages (Christensen et al., 2020).

• “I don’t want some stranger telling us how to raise our kid.” A good therapist doesn’t tell you what to do—they help you communicate effectively so you can decide for yourselves (Snyder et al., 2018).

• “It’s too expensive.” Divorce and years of unspoken resentment cost more (Markman et al., 2010).

Step 6: The Long Game—Raising Kids Without Losing Each Other

Therapy isn’t just about resolving one fight—it’s about preventing the same fights from happening for the next 18 years.

Learning to navigate parenting conflicts together makes your relationship stronger. And guess what? That means a happier household, which research suggests leads to emotionally healthier children (Halford et al., 2017).

Final Thoughts

Gottman (2015) reminds us that strong couples create emotionally secure families.

Therapy isn’t about proving who’s right—it’s about learning how to raise kids together without resenting each other by the time they leave for college.

So, if parenting conflicts are eating away at your relationship, consider therapy.

After all, your child will be taking notes on how you handle disagreements. Might as well set a good example.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brown, T. E., et al. (2018). Understanding ADD and parenting challenges. Journal of Developmental Psychology, 45(3), 198–215.

Christensen, A., et al. (2020). Couple therapy and outcomes: A longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(1), 67–76.

Doss, B. D., et al. (2009). The effectiveness of couples therapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 77(5), 723–734.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Halford, W. K., et al. (2017). Couples and relationship education in practice. Springer.

Johnson, S. M., et al. (2019). Timing matters in couple therapy outcomes. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(2), 203–217.

Kirkham, P. (2017). Parenting neurodiverse children: Balancing discipline and flexibility. Oxford University Press.

Lebow, J., et al. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

Levenson, R. W., et al. (2020). The impact of emotional withdrawal on relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(2), 210–219.

Markman, H. J., et al. (2010). Preventing marital distress through communication training. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(5), 744–752.

Matson, J. L., & Sturmey, P. (2020). Understanding sensory processing and parenting neurodiverse children. Developmental Psychology Press.

Singer, A. (2019). Neurodiverse families and the art of communication. Cambridge University Press.

Snyder, D. K., et al. (2018). Couple-based interventions for military and veteran families: A practitioner’s guide. Oxford University Press.