Emotional Pacing in Relationships: One of Us Is a Microwave, The Other Is a Crockpot
Thursday, April 3, 2025.
Let’s say you’re in the middle of a disagreement with your partner.
You want to talk about it now—get to the bottom of it, hash it out, fix it with words and eye contact and, if you’re lucky, a slightly teary hug.
But your partner?
They’re staring blankly at the wall, quietly retreating into a distant realm of spreadsheets, cat videos, or obscure documentaries about Cold War architecture.
Their soul has clearly left the building.
You’re not being dramatic. They’re not being passive-aggressive. You’re just caught in a mismatch of emotional pacing—a concept that’s finally getting its moment.
What Is Emotional Pacing?
Emotional pacing is the idea that people process emotions at different speeds.
Some people are Fast Processors. They think by talking. They calm down by engaging. They need resolution like the body needs electrolytes.
Others are Slow Processors. They need time. Space. Quiet. Possibly snacks. Their feelings arrive by carrier pigeon.
Both are valid. Neither is superior. But when they fall in love? Oh sh*t…
Why It Matters (a.k.a. How to Avoid Accidentally Marrying a Ghost)
In couples therapy, this mismatch is one of the most common—but most misinterpreted—sources of conflict.
What fast processors call:
“Let’s be honest with each other!”
Slow processors hear as:
“Why are you attacking me with a chainsaw made of feelings?”
What slow processors call:
“I just need space to think.”
Fast processors translate as:
“You’re abandoning me in the middle of a crisis.”
This isn’t about immaturity or avoidance. It’s about neurological processing speed, attachment style, and possibly your childhood dog’s emotional availability.
The ADHD Connection: Dopamine vs. Delay
This concept is already catching fire in ADHD TikTok and neurodivergent forums, where people are finally naming the tension between:
Urgency-brained partners: “If we don’t fix it now, it’ll eat me alive.”
Delay-brained partners: “If we talk now, I’ll say something I’ll regret or shut down entirely.”
ADHD brains, for example, often flood with emotion, seek immediate resolution, and struggle with delay.
Meanwhile, trauma-wired or autistic partners may require more processing time to sort their emotional soup into something coherent.
This is not dysfunction. This is asynchronous emotional regulation. And it’s very, very human.
Reframing the Villains: Stonewalling vs. Nagging
Traditionally, mismatched pacing gets pathologized:
The fast one becomes the Nag.
The slow one becomes the Stonewaller.
But what if we replaced those labels with something more accurate—and more humane?
Let’s try:
“Real-time feeler”
“Delayed integrator”
Or, in meme terms:
🧠 Speed: High. Bandwidth: Limited.
🧠 Speed: Buffering… please wait.
The Meme Version (Because Of Course There’s a Meme)
It’s coming. You can feel it.
Split-screen meme:
Left side: Partner frantically talking, pacing, gesturing, quoting Brené Brown.
Caption: “Needs to fix it before they can sleep.”
Right side: Partner staring into the middle distance, holding a mug, dissociating slightly.
Caption: “Still emotionally digesting the second sentence.”
Or:
“Me: Let’s talk about our feelings.”
“Partner: Estimated processing time: 23 hours and 19 minutes. Please do not close the tab.”
What to Do About It (Besides Send Memes)
For the Fast Processor:
Learn to Pause. Not forever. Just long enough for your partner’s nervous system to come back online.
Write it Down. Journal your feelings so they don’t evaporate or explode.
Stop Taking Space as Rejection. Space is not silence. It’s a kind of sacred prep time.
For the Slow Processor:
Signal Your Need For Time. Don’t disappear. Say: “I want to respond, I just need a while to process.”
Come Back. Always. The return builds trust.
Do the Emotional Dishes. When you’re ready, actually engage. Don’t ghost your way into comfort.
Couples Therapy and the Clock of the Heart
Neurodivergently trained science-based couples therapists routinely recognize this pacing mismatch as a root cause of communication fatigue.
It’s not just about what we say. It’s when we’re able to say it.
The best therapists act like translators between nervous systems, helping partners create rituals for conflict that honor both timelines.
Sometimes that means delayed conversations.
Sometimes it means pre-written repair notes. Sometimes it means cat videos. (Again with the cats. They’re oddly useful.)
Final Thoughts: Love at Different Speeds
Emotional pacing is about recognizing that we are two clocks ticking at different tempos.
Neither is broken. Neither is wrong.
But if we try to synchronize without compassion, we end up resentful—yelling at the microwave, or giving the crockpot the silent treatment.
The real goal isn’t speed.
It’s harmony.
So next time your partner needs 24 hours to process your five-minute monologue on feelings, remember:
They're not avoiding you.
They're just emotionally loading.
And then perhaps they’ll be ready to talk... right after this nap.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Maté, G. (2021). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery.