Does My Nervous System Like You?
Tuesday, July 8, 2025.
Let’s be honest. If your nervous system had a Tinder profile, it would probably swipe left on half your exes and one-third of your “situationships.”
But nobody ever taught us to check in with our vagus nerve. We were trained to ask:
“Do we have chemistry?”
“Do they make me laugh?”
“Do they believe in therapy?”
No one said:
“Does my diaphragm sigh when they enter the room, or does my jaw tighten like I’m preparing for a tax audit?”
Welcome to the age of nervous system compatibility—the dating filter we didn’t know we needed.
Not a Red Flag, Just a Misfire
Some people aren’t bad. They’re just bad for your parasympathetic state.
You know the type:
You’re exhausted after spending time together.
You laugh, but it’s tight in your throat.
You love them, but your gut keeps playing the Jaws theme on loop.
That’s not failure. That’s neuroception—your body’s way of scanning for threat or safety without asking your permission (Porges, 2011).
And it’s not being dramatic. It’s being alive.
The Science of That “Off” Feeling
Let’s get geeky for a minute—because we should honor the fact that your spleen might know something your therapist doesn’t.
Neuroception: Your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger, based on voice tone, eye contact, posture—even micro-movements. It happens faster than thought (Porges, 2011).
Co-Regulation: We regulate each other. Literally. When someone sits calmly next to you, your breathing and heartbeat may sync (Coan et al., 2006). When they’re dysregulated, you feel it before they speak.
Neural Synchrony: In a 2024 study, couples who were mismatched in satisfaction had more neural synchrony while watching emotional videos together—but it wasn’t harmony, it was more like two radios caught on the same emergency broadcast (Prochazkova & Kret, 2024).
So yes, your body might be picking up signals your prefrontal cortex is too polite to name.
“But He’s Nice!” Isn’t Always Enough
We all know someone who dated a very nice person and still felt like they were dying inside. That’s not because they’re broken. That’s because kindness doesn’t cancel out somatic incompatibility.
You can love someone and still brace yourself every time they enter a room.
You can say all the right things and still feel like you’re holding your breath.
You can be “good together” in theory and still make each other’s nervous systems feel like a hostage negotiation.
Is It Just Anxiety?
Sometimes, yes. Sometimes you're reliving old trauma, and the poor soul across the table just reminds you of your high school guidance counselor.
But often? It’s not a trauma reenactment.
It’s your body doing pattern recognition at the speed of survival. And it’s trying to save you from years of well-intentioned gut tension.
How to Tell If You’re Nervously Compatible
Silent Time Feels Safe
You don’t feel the need to perform. You’re not scanning for cues. You’re just being.Recovery Is Quick
You have a misunderstanding—but you don’t spiral for hours. Your body resets.The Absence of Hypervigilance
You’re not pre-digesting their reactions or rehearsing responses. Your stomach is not clenched like a fist.Your Inner Critic Gets Bored
Around them, that internal Greek chorus of judgment and apology gets quiet.If you don’t recognize these, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But it might be worth asking what kind of safety you’re tolerating.
What Therapists (Like Me) Are Seeing
In couples work, I’ve watched bodies lean away before words say a thing.
I’ve seen tears triggered not by fights, but by mismatched rhythms: one person speeds up when stressed, the other shuts down. One talks to solve, the other flinches at raised voices.
Their histories aren’t to blame. Their systems are.
In trauma recovery, clients often say:
“He was great, on paper. But my body always felt like it needed to leave.”
And it turns out: they weren’t flaky. They were wise.
What You Can Do (Besides Dump Everyone Immediately)
Check In With Your Body During and After Interactions
How do you feel 30 minutes after hanging out? Recharged or wrung out?Co-Regulate Intentionally
Sit together in stillness. Breathe in sync. Use eye contact. If these feel awkward or stressful, pay attention.Notice Your Baseline
Is your resting state with them peace or prep?Use “Safety” as a Metric, Not Just Intensity
You can be bored because you’re safe—not because you’re disconnected.
In Conclusion: It’s Not You. It’s Your Systems.
Maybe your body is wiser than your taste in dating apps.
Maybe you’re not “avoidant.”
Maybe you’re just tired of pretending your stomach knots are character flaws.
Perhaps you’ve come to trust the very part of you that doesn’t lie.
In the end, nervous system compatibility isn’t about perfection.
It’s about this:
“Can I sit next to you, not talk, and still feel like myself?”
If the answer is yes, you might be onto something.
And if the answer is no… well, don’t panic.
It just means your vagus nerve has better boundaries than you do.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Prochazkova, E., & Kret, M. E. (2024). Romantic partners with mismatched relationship satisfaction showed greater interpersonal neural synchrony when co-viewing emotive videos: An exploratory pilot fNIRS hyperscanning study. NeuroImage, 283, 120016. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2023.120016
Baghaei, N., Zareei Mahmoodabadi, H., & Naderi Nobandegani, Z. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships: A grounded theory. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166. https://doi.org/10.5812/ijpbs.148166