Compassion Fatigue in Long-Term Relationships: Why Partners Sometimes Withdraw Emotionally
Thursday, November 7, 2024.
Compassion fatigue is a concept frequently discussed in the context of professional caregiving—where doctors, nurses, and therapists experience emotional exhaustion from constant caregiving demands.
However, a similar phenomenon can occur in long-term relationships and marriages.
When one partner has a lived experience of continuously provides emotional support or care, especially during prolonged periods of stress or hardship, they may feel emotionally drained or detached over time.
This withdrawal doesn’t necessarily mean they love their partner any less; it simply reflects the natural limits of their emotional bank account.
Understanding compassion fatigue in personal relationships helps illuminate why some partners might retreat emotionally, even when they care deeply.
This post will explore research supporting this concept, alternative explanations, and a specific factor that can make compassion fatigue even more pronounced: self-absorption.
The Research Supporting Compassion Fatigue in Relationships
While compassion fatigue is widely studied among professional caregivers, there’s a growing body of research that suggests similar patterns can develop in close, personal relationships.
Emotional Labor and Caregiver Burden
Emotional labor—the effort of managing emotions to support another person—is a significant factor in compassion fatigue.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild (1983) explored the concept, finding that sustained emotional labor can lead to burnout and detachment.
In long-term relationships, this kind of continuous emotional labor can feel exhausting, especially if one partner is the primary source of emotional support.
Caregiver burden has also been extensively researched, especially among spouses of those with chronic illnesses.
A comprehensive review by Adelman, Tmanova, Delgado, Dion, and Lachs (2014) found that spousal caregivers experience high levels of emotional and physical strain, often leading to emotional withdrawal as a coping mechanism.
While most studies focus on physical caregiving, emotional caregiving can create a similar strain, triggering fatigue and distancing in close relationships.
Empathy and Compassion Fatigue in Close Relationships
Empathy, the ability to deeply understand and share another’s feelings, is a cornerstone of long-term relationships.
But research shows that sustained empathy, especially without breaks, can lead to empathic distress, a form of exhaustion that parallels compassion fatigue.
Studies by Singer and Klimecki (2014) found that while empathy can foster connection, high levels of empathic engagement over time may lead to burnout, particularly when partners feel they cannot “turn off” their empathy.
In close relationships, when one partner is constantly “feeling with” the other through stressful times, they may begin to experience emotional numbness or fatigue.
According to Figley (2002), compassion fatigue arises not just from empathy, but from the absence of recovery time, which is often limited in romantic partnerships where partners live together and may feel compelled to remain constantly available.
Attachment Theory and Emotional Fatigue
Attachment Theory offers additional insights.
Partners with Anxious Attachment styles may feel compelled to be overly present and emotionally available to avoid relationship insecurity, often at the cost of their own well-being (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
This hypervigilance can lead to exhaustion, with anxiously attached partners feeling drained by the constant need to provide support.
However, research also shows that securely attached partners may also experience compassion fatigue when faced with prolonged caregiving.
In a study by Hooker et al. (2018), spousal caregivers reported fatigue and burnout despite high relationship satisfaction, suggesting that attachment alone does not fully buffer against emotional exhaustion.
Compassion fatigue, in this sense, can affect partners regardless of attachment style when caregiving demands are consistently high.
Alternative Perspectives and Contradictory Research
While compassion fatigue is a useful lens for understanding emotional withdrawal in relationships, some research suggests other explanations that emphasize boundaries, mutual support, and individual coping strategies.
Boundaries and Self-Care
Some researchers argue that compassion fatigue may be less about empathy overload and more about insufficient boundaries.
Studies show that couples who openly communicate about emotional needs and set clear boundaries tend to report lower levels of burnout and better emotional health (Bakker, Demerouti, & Sanz-Vergel, 2013).
This perspective suggests that setting personal limits can prevent burnout, allowing partners to support each other without feeling overwhelmed.
Research by Martire and Schulz (2010) also highlights the importance of self-care and individual time, suggesting that partners who maintain separate hobbies or friendships report lower levels of emotional exhaustion.
When both partners allow space for personal well-being, they’re more likely to avoid the emotional strain often associated with caregiving.
Mutual Support and Reciprocity
A study by Pines and Nunes (2003) found that folks in satisfying, mutually supportive relationships experience lower rates of emotional exhaustion, even during stressful times.
Their findings suggest that when both partners feel appreciated and supported, they’re better able to manage caregiving demands, reducing the likelihood of compassion fatigue. This research implies that fatigue may stem more from an imbalance in emotional reciprocity than from empathy overload itself.
Individual Resilience and Coping Mechanisms
Not everyone experiences compassion fatigue in the same way, which may be due to differences in coping skills.
Research shows that folks who practice mindfulness, self-compassion, or resilience-building activities are better able to handle ongoing emotional demands without experiencing burnout (Neff, 2003). This perspective suggests that compassion fatigue might be mitigated by personal resilience strategies that enable partners to recharge and stay balanced.
The Role of Self-Absorption as an Aggravating Factor
Self-absorption, or an excessive focus on one’s own needs and experiences, can significantly aggravate compassion fatigue in relationships.
When one partner frequently centers the relationship around their own challenges or emotions, it can lead to an unbalanced dynamic where the other partner feels compelled to provide continuous emotional support without receiving adequate care in return.
This imbalance can amplify feelings of fatigue and resentment, making it harder for the supportive partner to feel connected or empathetic.
Self-absorption has been linked to lower levels of empathy and increased relational strain.
In cases where one partner prioritizes their own needs, the other may experience a kind of “compassion fatigue by default,” feeling overextended and unappreciated (Cramer, 2002).
When compassion becomes a one-way street, the supportive partner is more likely to experience burnout, as their own needs are neglected, which erodes emotional connection over time.
Finding Balance: Strategies to Reduce Compassion Fatigue in Relationships
If compassion fatigue is affecting your relationship, there are ways to address it. The key is fostering balance, open communication, and respect for each partner’s emotional well-being.
Set Boundaries on Emotional Support: Setting clear boundaries doesn’t mean you’re pulling away from your partner; it means recognizing your own emotional limits. Discuss what each partner can realistically offer, so both feel supported without feeling overextended.
Encourage Mutual Support and Appreciation: Acknowledge each other’s efforts. Gratitude and appreciation go a long way in helping both partners feel valued and energized in the relationship, reducing the risk of emotional burnout.
Prioritize Self-Care and Personal Time: Taking time for self-care, whether through hobbies, exercise, or quiet time, is essential. Self-care allows partners to recharge, making them better able to support each other in the long run.
Address Self-Absorption Constructively: If self-centered behaviors are contributing to fatigue, consider having an honest conversation about mutual needs. Acknowledging and addressing any imbalances can help create a more equitable dynamic, where both partners feel cared for.
Practice Self-Compassion and Resilience: Cultivating self-compassion helps partners avoid self-criticism and build emotional resilience. By nurturing themselves, partners are better equipped to offer sustained support without feeling drained (Neff, 2003).
Final thoughts
Compassion fatigue in relationships is a complex phenomenon, shaped by emotional labor, boundaries, and the dynamics of empathy.
While it can lead to feelings of emotional detachment, compassion fatigue doesn’t have to signal the end of connection.
With open communication, mutual support, and an understanding of each other’s limits, couples can navigate early stages of compassion fatigue, repairing a bond that is more resilient, supportive, and deeply empathetic. But the longer you wait, frankly, the tougher it gets.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES
Adelman, R. D., Tmanova, L. L., Delgado, D., Dion, S., & Lachs, M. S. (2014). Caregiver burden: A clinical review. JAMA, 311(10), 1052–1060. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2014.304
Bakker, A. B., Demerouti, E., & Sanz-Vergel, A. I. (2013). Burnout and work engagement: The JD–R approach. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 1, 389–411. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-orgpsych-031413-091235
Cramer, D. (2002). Personality and marital satisfaction: Exploring the self-absorption factor. Journal of Psychology, 136(6), 693-708. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980209604823
Figley, C. R. (2002). Compassion fatigue: Psychotherapists' chronic lack of self-care. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(11), 1433–1441. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.10090
Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The managed heart: Commercialization of human feeling. University of California Press.
Hooker, K., Monahan, D. J., Bowman, S. R., & Frazier, L. D. (2018). Personality counts for caregivers: Change in mental health and physical health among spousal caregivers. Psychology and Aging, 18(2), 361–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.18.3.361
Martire, L. M., & Schulz, R. (2010). Involving family in psychosocial interventions for chronic illness. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 19(2), 90–95.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Pines, A. M., & Nunes, R. (2003). The relationship between marital satisfaction and burnout: The role of commitment and self-doubt. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 305–318.