The Story of Emily and David – Building a Partnership in Marriage and Business

Thursday, November 7, 2024.

Meet Emily and David, a couple who’ve not only built a marriage but also an impressive real estate portfolio. They own most of 2 square blocks in the downtown of their hometown in Western Massachusetts, making them known locally as the “power couple.”

David, an entrepreneur on the autism spectrum, is strategic and detail-oriented.

His wife, Emily, is a natural-born leader—a confident, dominant personality who’s decisive in both business and their relationship. Their dynamic is a fascinating balance of strengths, but it also brings challenges.

In therapy, Emily and David asked me to assist in managing their contrasting styles without letting business stress and power struggles erode their relationship.

Let’s explore the unique complexities of being in a relationship with a dominant partner, especially when one partner is on the autism spectrum, and dive into real research-backed strategies to help them—and others—find balance and respect.

Communication Styles: Finding Common Ground

Emily’s natural approach to communication is fast-paced, often assuming David will follow her lead.

David, however, processes information differently due to his autism, needing a bit more time to think things over. This sometimes leaves him feeling rushed and even dismissed, creating frustration for both partners.

Studies show that neurodiverse couples, where one partner is on the autism spectrum, can experience higher levels of conflict around communication due to differences in processing styles (Morrison, Thorson, & LeBel, 2019).

Autistic partners often prefer clear, structured, and deliberate communication, while neurotypical partners may prefer spontaneity, which can create tension (Tan, 2018).

To foster better communication, we implemented a “communication pacing” strategy, where Emily learned to pause after presenting an idea, allowing David time to process and respond thoughtfully.

At the same time, David practiced expressing when he needed more time or clarity, helping both partners avoid misunderstandings. This mutual approach attempts to honor both Emily’s decisive nature and David’s need for structure.

Decision-Making: Sharing the Power

When it comes to making big decisions, Emily’s leadership style often comes to the forefront, which can leave David feeling overshadowed.

For David, who values thoughtful deliberation, Emily’s quick decisions sometimes feel too rushed, creating a sense of imbalance in their partnership.

According to Gottman and Silver (2015), power dynamics in marriage can impact relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner dominates decision-making. Couples with clearly defined roles and respect for each other’s input tend to report higher levels of mutual respect and satisfaction.

Together, Emily and David developed a system of “decision domains,” assigning each partner specific areas of authority. David took charge of financial planning and investments, while Emily managed day-to-day business operations. We crested a new parlance around “scopes of work,” such as vetting vendors.

This arrangement respected each partner’s strengths, ensuring both felt valued in their roles. Research indicates that a clear division of decision-making roles can reduce conflict and increase relationship satisfaction (Johnson, 2017).

Sensory Sensitivities: Understanding Different Needs

Emily thrives in social settings, often hosting large gatherings for business contacts and friends.

David, on the other hand, finds social gatherings overwhelming due to his sensory sensitivities. Crowded rooms, loud conversations, and strong scents quickly lead to sensory overload, making him feel uncomfortable and needing time alone to recover.

With my help, David and Emily created a private parlance to discuss his comfort level on a 10 point scale, and externalized the idea of the “rumbles.”

Sensory sensitivities are common among folks on the autism spectrum, making social environments challenging. Studies suggest that sensory overload can lead to emotional burnout, impacting relationships and overall well-being (Robertson & Simmons, 2015).

In therapy, we worked on creating a “sensory retreat” within their home. Emily dedicated a room as a quiet, sensory-friendly space where David could decompress.

Emily also agreed to keep social events shorter and more structured when possible. This way, David could recharge without feeling pressured, and Emily could continue enjoying her social life with respect for her partner’s needs.

Emotional Support: Learning Each Other’s Language

Emily’s problem-solving approach, a strength in her professional life, often spills over into their marriage. When David feels stressed or overwhelmed, he craves emotional validation rather than solutions. Emily’s “let’s-fix-it” approach sometimes leaves David feeling unsupported, creating tension.

According to research by Mazurek et al. (2013), autistic partners often prefer straightforward, consistent emotional support, which can be different from the problem-solving approach common in neurotypical relationships. Gottman’s work also highlights the value of “turning toward” moments—instances where partners offer simple acknowledgments of each other’s needs without trying to “fix” the issue (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

To create a stronger emotional connection, we implemented a check-in ritual, where Emily would ask David how he wanted to be supported in that moment—whether he wanted advice or simply empathy. This helped David feel understood and valued while allowing Emily to adjust her approach based on his specific needs.

Managing Identities: Defining Boundaries Between Business and Personal Life

One final challenge Emily and David faced was defining boundaries between their business and personal identities. Emily’s dominant leadership often extended into their home life, making it difficult for David to feel he had space to relax and just “be” without thinking about business.

Research shows that folks on the autism spectrum often find comfort in clearly defined roles and boundaries, particularly within intimate relationships. Separating work and home roles can enhance well-being and relationship satisfaction (Crane et al., 2018).

Couples with dominant dynamics also benefit from rituals that emphasize personal connection, creating a “third space” between business and marriage (Markman et al., 2010).

I helped Emily and David establish “off-duty” hours where they stepped away from business talk to focus on their personal relationship.

They also adopted rituals that allowed them to connect on a personal level, such as cooking dinner together and creating a shared music playlist. These rituals fostered intimacy and reminded them of their connection beyond business.

Building a Balanced, Resilient Partnership

Emily and David’s journey is a testament to the possibility of creating balance and understanding in a neurodiverse marriage with a dominant partner. By respecting each other’s strengths, managing communication styles, and setting intentional boundaries, they’re building a partnership that honors their unique dynamic.

Their story serves as an encouraging reminder that with the right tools, neurodiverse relationships can thrive. Open communication, empathy, and respect for each other’s individuality allow couples like Emily and David to enjoy a harmonious and fulfilling life together.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Crane, L., Yates, R., & Broome, L. (2018). Relationships and autism: Examining family dynamics. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(3), 591–602.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. (2017). Exploring decision-making in neurodiverse relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 53(2), 238-245.

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass.

Mazurek, M. O., Conner, C. M., & Oswald, D. P. (2013). Emotion regulation and social interaction in families with autistic children. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 7(1), 77–88.

Morrison, M. C., Thorson, R. & LeBel, M. A. (2019). Couples on the spectrum: Communication differences in neurodiverse partnerships. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 75(9), 1464-1477.

Robertson, A. E., & Simmons, D. R. (2015). The sensory experiences of adults with autism spectrum disorder: A qualitative analysis. Perception, 44(5), 569-586.

Tan, L. (2018). Communication strategies for neurodiverse couples: A family therapy perspective. Family Process, 57(4), 971-983.