Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters by Dr. Erica Komisar

Thursday, August 15, 2024.

“Many mothers are pressured to return to work quickly after having a baby out of a fear that they will miss out on having a career if they stay home to care for their child.

Despite the fact that moms do some of the most valuable work of all, by providing their children with the nurturing and emotional security which are the foundation for their mental and physical well-being, “stay-at-home mother” does not look good on a resume …It should.” Erica Komisar

Erica Komisar’s book, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters is a compelling exploration of the crucial role that mothers play in their children’s early development.

Komisar, a psychoanalyst and parent guidance expert, delves into the psychological, emotional, and neurological implications of early maternal presence, making a persuasive and compelling argument for the irreplaceable value of a mother’s presence during the first three years of a child’s life.

Komisar's central thesis is that the first three years of a child’s life are foundational for emotional security, cognitive development, and overall well-being.

She argues that during this period, a mother’s consistent and responsive presence is crucial for fostering secure attachment, which is linked to numerous positive outcomes later in life, including resilience, empathy, and mental health stability.

The book is a call to action for society, policymakers, and mothers themselves to recognize the irreplaceable role of maternal care during this critical period.

Komisar heavily draws on attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, to underpin her argument.

She explains that the attachment bond formed between a mother and her child in the first three years lays the groundwork for the child's future relationships.

Secure attachment, which is fostered by a mother’s sensitive and responsive caregiving, is linked to better emotional regulation, social skills, and even academic success.

Komisar carefully unpacks the neurological basis of attachment, explaining how a mother’s presence influences the development of the brain’s stress-response systems and emotional centers.

Motherhood and Mental Health

One of Komisar’s most poignant arguments is the connection between maternal presence and the mental health of children.

She discusses how the lack of maternal presence or inconsistent caregiving can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems in children.

Komisar also explores the mental health of mothers themselves, arguing that the societal pressures to "do it all" and return to work quickly after childbirth can contribute to maternal depression and anxiety, which in turn affects the child.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

Komisar does not shy away from critiquing societal norms and policies that she believes undermine the importance of motherhood.

She points to the lack of paid maternity leave in many countries, the societal devaluation of motherhood, and the glorification of career achievement over parenting. Komisar argues that these factors contribute to a culture that often forces mothers to choose between their careers and the well-being of their children, a choice that she believes should not have to be made.

The Role of Fathers

While the book is focused on motherhood, Komisar also addresses the role of fathers, acknowledging their importance in the child’s life. However, she argues that fathers and mothers play different roles, especially in the early years, with mothers being more central to the child’s emotional development due to their unique ability to attune to their child’s needs.

Practical Advice for Mothers

Beyond the theoretical and scientific discussions, Being There offers practical advice for mothers on how to be emotionally present for their children. Komisar emphasizes the importance of physical affection, talking to the child, and simply being available. She also offers guidance for working mothers on how to maximize their time with their children and how to manage the guilt that often accompanies the decision to work outside the home.

Critiques and Controversies

I've come across numerous reviews of this book claiming it guilt-trips mothers—whether they work, occasionally use screens to occupy their baby while they tidy up, or otherwise—and I think that interpretation misses the mark entirely.

Komisar isn’t suggesting that mothers who engage in these activities are doing anything wrong. Instead, she critiques our society's misplaced priorities, which ultimately harm mothers and their young children the most.

Personally, I found this book invaluable in helping me navigate my work with young parents.

Komisar is candid about what research shows infants need and acutely aware of the harsh and unforgiving social environment that parents, particularly mothers, face after childbirth.

She provides practical advice for both parents and policymakers, aiming to create a more supportive and nurturing environment for young children.

Komisar’s book has sparked debate, particularly regarding its implications for working mothers.

Some critics argue that her emphasis on the mother’s role can inadvertently contribute to the guilt and pressure that many working mothers already feel.

Others point out that her perspective may not fully account for the diverse family structures and economic realities that many families face, where the luxury of a parent staying home for three years is not feasible.

However, Komisar addresses these critiques by advocating for societal change, including better support systems for mothers, rather than placing the burden solely on individual women. The truth may not be convenient, but at the end of the day, there it is.

Impact and Relevance

Being There is a timely and important contribution to the conversation about parenting, especially in an era where work-life balance is a major concern for many families.

The book resonates deeply with parents who feel the tension between professional aspirations and the desire to be fully present for their children. Komisar’s work has also influenced discussions on maternity leave policies and the broader societal value placed on caregiving roles.

Final thoughts

Erica Komisar’s Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters is a well-researched and thought-provoking book that challenges modern societal norms about motherhood and work.

It is a must-read for parents, policymakers, and anyone interested in child development. Komisar’s message is clear: the early years of a child’s life are too important to be compromised, and society must do more to support mothers during this critical period. It’s a pretty inconvenient truth.

The book’s strength lies in its combination of scientific research, psychological insight, and practical advice.

While it may not be a comfortable read for everyone (particularly those who cannot or choose not to stay home with their children), Being There explains the profound impact of a mother’s presence during the early years.

Komisar’s work challenges us to rethink how we support families and value the role of motherhood in shaping the future generation. Politicians and policymakers should be talking more about what infants need to thrive.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Komisar, E. (2017). Being there: Why prioritizing motherhood in the first three years matters. Penguin Random House.