Bedroom Boredom: Why Spicing It Up is the Key to Relationship Bliss

Sunday, January 5, 2025.

Ah, the age-old question: What keeps the flames of love alive after you’ve finished binging The Crown for the fifth time and can predict your partner’s snores like clockwork?

It’s not just those steamy glances across the dinner table—it’s keeping things spicy in the bedroom. And when things cool off there, it’s not lack of desire but an unexpected culprit—sexual boredom—that might be the ultimate relationship buzzkill.

A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy tackles this head-on.

Researchers examined how sexual boredom, that sneaky feeling of "same old, same old," mediates the relationship between sexual desire (for your partner or that hot guy you passed on the street) and relationship satisfaction.

Their findings? It’s not the wandering eye but rather boredom that’s the real homewrecker.

Sexual Boredom: The Buzzkill of Bedroom Bliss

The study surveyed 1,155 Portuguese women in long-term monogamous relationships, ranging from fresh-faced 18-year-olds to wise 66-year-olds. Using fancy tools like the Portuguese version of the Sexual Boredom Scale (yes, that’s a thing), the researchers dug deep into the interplay of desire, satisfaction, and—drumroll—boredom.

Turns out, women who reported lower sexual boredom were significantly happier, both in their sex lives and relationships.

And here’s the kicker: even when attraction for non-partners popped up (because let’s be real, humans notice other humans), it didn’t wreck satisfaction—unless boredom had already set up camp.

As study author Leonor de Oliveira put it, “Feeling bored with your sex life can be a big reason why people experience lower satisfaction.” Translation: The problem isn’t that you glanced at Chris Hemsworth in Thor; it’s that you’re tired of reruns in your own boudoir.

The Unexpected Role of Desire

Contrary to what your nosy neighbor might think, fantasizing about someone outside your relationship isn’t the instant death knell for romance.

The study found that these attractions only become a problem when sexual boredom is already lurking.

Without boredom in the picture, these desires are often harmless—perhaps even a reflection of healthy curiosity.

On the flip side, women who reported high levels of desire for their partners enjoyed the double benefit of increased sexual and relationship satisfaction, provided boredom wasn’t crashing the party.

What to Do About It

Boredom, as Oliveira explained, is more of a signal than a threat.

Think of it like your car’s low-fuel light. It’s not catastrophic, but it’s a sign you need to refuel—preferably before you’re stranded on the side of the road.

In relationships, sexual boredom might signal the need for novelty, vulnerability, or even just an honest heart-to-heart about what you like (and what you don’t).

My colleague Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, would likely applaud this approach, emphasizing the importance of curiosity and playfulness in maintaining desire.

As Oliveira eloquently noted, “Boredom signals that we might need to change something to feel more excitement and pleasure. Very often this will mean having a vulnerable conversation with a partner about sex, which many people find challenging.”

Lessons for the Lovebirds

This research offers a fresh perspective on long-term relationship dynamics:

• Don’t Fear the Boredom. It’s a natural part of any relationship. The trick is to treat it as a nudge to reevaluate and rekindle.

• Keep Talking. Open communication about sexual preferences and needs can transform awkward moments into opportunities for deeper connection.

• Prioritize Novelty. It doesn’t have to mean swinging from chandeliers (though, if that’s your thing, go for it). Small changes—like a date night at a new restaurant or swapping your go-to movie genre—can make a big difference.

The Bigger Picture

While the study focused on women in monogamous relationships, its findings have implications for everyone.

Boredom, after all, doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re in a long-term partnership, exploring non-monogamy, or somewhere in between, the principle holds: Keep it fresh, keep it honest, and don’t shy away from the occasional tough conversation.

Final Thoughts: From Bedroom Blahs to Bliss?

If you’re in a long-term relationship and feeling a little “meh,” you’re not alone.

The secret isn’t to panic or assume the worst but to take boredom as a cue for change. As Oliveira reminds us, “Boredom is not the problem. It’s an opportunity.”

So, the next time you’re tempted to scroll Instagram while your partner tells the same story for the millionth time, remember: a little creativity, communication, and courage can turn bedroom boredom into a new chapter of connection—and satisfaction.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

de Oliveira, L., Vallejo-Medina, P., & Carvalho, J. (2025). The mediating role of sexual boredom in women’s sexual desire and satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.