7 Reasons You Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men (and How to Break the Cycle)

Sunday, December 1, 2024.

It’s time to discuss why emotionally unavailable men keep capturing your heart—and how to find the healthy love you deserve.

You didn’t set out to fall for someone emotionally unavailable, but here you are again. Maybe it’s the charm, the challenge, or the undeniable chemistry, but the pattern feels like déjà vu.

If you’re reliable, caring, and compassionate, it’s natural to want to see the best in people.

You stay too long, hoping your love will change them, or you leave only to repeat the cycle with someone eerily similar. Before you know it, you're doubting your ability to recognize a "good guy" and questioning your worth in the process.

Understanding why this happens is the first step to breaking free from the pattern. Let’s explore seven reasons you might be falling for emotionally unavailable men—and, more importantly, how to stop.

You Believe Your Love Can Fix Him

The idea that love can conquer all is romantic—but not realistic. If you find yourself drawn to "fixer-uppers," you may be pouring your energy into a fantasy rather than a partnership.

This often stems from a desire to control the uncontrollable, leading to exhaustion and heartbreak when your efforts inevitably fall short.

Shift your focus from trying to "fix" others to finding someone who is ready and capable of meeting you emotionally. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual effort, not one-sided heroics.

You Fear Being Alone

If the thought of being single terrifies you, you might tolerate less-than-ideal relationships just to avoid loneliness. The fear of being alone can lead to staying too long in unhealthy partnerships or compromising your values to keep someone around.

This often leads to a cycle of overfunctioning in the relationship—trying to please your partner or bending over backward to meet their needs while neglecting your own.

Build a fulfilling life outside of relationships. Cultivate friendships, hobbies, and self-care practices that bring joy and confidence. The more you value your own company, the less likely you’ll settle for less than you deserve.

Low Self-Esteem Shapes Your Choices

When you struggle with self-esteem, it can cloud your judgment in relationships. You might feel unworthy of love, which can lead to accepting poor treatment or settling for partners who reflect your negative self-image.

Ironically, choosing these partners often reinforces feelings of inadequacy, creating a vicious cycle of low self-worth and poor relationship choices.

Work on building your self-esteem outside of relationships. Affirm your worth through self-care, personal growth, and surrounding yourself with supportive people who uplift you.

You Mistake Familiarity for Compatibility

Sometimes, emotionally unavailable partners feel "right" simply because they mirror familiar dynamics from your past. This false sense of compatibility can keep you stuck in a loop, mistaking dysfunction for destiny

Try to distinguish between what feels familiar and what actually feels healthy. Practice mindfulness and self-awareness to identify patterns and consciously choose partners who align with your values and emotional needs.

You’re Subconsciously Repeating the Past

According to Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion, people often reenact unresolved childhood dynamics in their adult relationships.

This can mean unconsciously choosing partners who reflect the emotional unavailability of a parent in an attempt to "rewrite history" and finally earn the love you craved as a child.

If you find yourself trying to "fix" men or prove your worth to them, you may be seeking to resolve these deep-seated wounds.

Good therapy might help you to reflect on your family dynamics and identify any parallels in your relationships. Working with a therapist can help you break free from old patterns and heal unmet childhood needs. I can help with that.

Drama Feels Addictive

The thrill of the chase or the chaos of a turbulent relationship can be intoxicating.

The highs of infatuation and the drama of will-they-or-won’t-they commitment create an emotional rollercoaster that feels alive and exciting. Unfortunately, this fantasy often overshadows the reality of what’s missing: stability, respect, and mutual love.

For many, calmness and predictability feel dull in comparison.

Ask yourself if peace and stability feel “boring” to your nervous system.

Redefining your idea of excitement in a relationship—one based on shared growth and mutual support—can help you value healthier dynamics.

What if You’re the Intimacy Avoider—Not Him?

Surprising as it sounds, a few of you might be the partner who is unconsciously avoiding true intimacy.

Picking emotionally distant partners can feel like a way to "play it safe."

These relationships provide the sensation of love without requiring the vulnerability of real connection. it also gives you the potential for endless drama, and something to complain about, if that floats you private, personality-disordered boat.

This dysfunctional dynamic will encourage you to feel the highs of passion and desire while keeping most of your deeper emotional wounds well hidden. Without realizing it, you’ll satisfy your ambivalent longing for connection, while protecting yourself from potential heartbreak, by making it all their fault.

Consider exploring your own fears around vulnerability. Therapy or journaling can help uncover hidden anxieties about intimacy and could guide you toward healthier connections.

Moving Forward: Finding Real Love

Breaking free from emotionally unavailable relationships starts with self-awareness.

Do the work. A good therapist would be a prudent start.

Shift your focus inward—away from blaming your partner and toward understanding your own patterns—then you might rewrite a better love story with a much happier ending with a better, more deserving partner.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the pleasure principle. International Psycho-Analytical Publishing.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Routledge.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.