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NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
“He smiles a little, reflexively. He never actually feels like smiling, but he has survived by the skillful mimicry of expressions for too long to stop doing it now.”
― N.K. Jemisin, Shades in Shadow
Working with the Neurodiverse.
Couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is a specialized form of therapy that is designed to help couples when partners have compelling neuro-developmental differences.
Neurodiverse couples may experience unique challenges in their relationships, such as difficulty with communication, emotional regulation, social interaction, and especially, emotional expectations, and hidden emotional subtexts.
Furthermore, there is a social justice issue in play as many diagnostic chimeras such as “Pathological Demand Avoidance” are marinated in neurotypical storytelling, and uninformed by neurodiverse experience.
Customized and curated couples therapy interventions can help these couples to deepen their understanding of one another.
I’ll also help you to develop the skills and strategies needed to build a stronger and more satisfying relationship.
Understand how your minds work differently…
One of the key principles of couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is the need to understand
and accommodate the unique needs of each partner.
This may involve the wholesale re-imagining of traditional, model-driven couples therapy techniques
to better meet the needs of neurodiverse partners.
For example, a couples therapist trained in understanding neurological differences might use of visual aids, such as diagrams or pictures, to help partners better understand and process social and emotional cues that are operating in the present moment.
A good couples therapist will also use concrete, specific language (my clients understand this as being Concrete AF), rather than engage in conversational dalliances with abstract concepts or metaphors.
Partners who are neurodiverse often require concrete concepts in order to stay focused and engaged in the therapy process.
Couples therapy for neurodiverse couples may also involve the use of specialized assessment tools to evaluate social and communication processing speeds for both partners.
Differences in emotional processing speeds are a common dilemma.
Careful use of specific interventions such as “Cognitive Empathy”, and the “Couple Codes” can help couples therapists to better understand the unique needs and challenges of each partner, and to develop targeted interventions that address their different processing speeds and bandwidth requirements.
One effective approach to couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is the use of what I call “profound noticing.”
Profound noticing draws a distinction between a factual event, and the interpretation as to what a conversational exchange means, indicates, or symbolizes.
For neurotypical partners, science-based couples therapy with their neurodivergent partner can sometimes closely resemble cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
CBT is a form of therapy that focuses on identifying and changing negative narratives and behaviors that undermine intimacy and authentic connection.
What works with neurodiverse couples?
For neurodiverse couples, science-based couples therapy may involve a diverse set of strategies that help to break down complex concepts into simpler, more concrete, and mutually understood memes.
Another effective approach to couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is the use of behavioral therapy.
Behavioral therapy focuses on modifying specific behaviors that contribute to relationship problems, such as difficulty with communication or emotional regulation.
This approach will also consistently involve the ongoing use of positive reinforcement.
Neurotypical spouses don’t always notice and express appreciation when the see their neurodivergent spouse engaging in positive behaviors, such as asking good questions, bestowing attention, or expressing empathy.
Couples therapy for neurodiverse couples focuses on developing greater emotional awareness and self-regulation, which can help couples to build stronger, more resilient relationships by understanding and appreciating their brain differences.
Research proves that neurodiverse couples can
thrive with the right kind of couples therapy
Research has shown that couples therapy can be highly effective for neurodiverse couples.
In a study of couples where one partner was neurodiverse, couples therapy was found to significantly improve relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and overall quality of life (Safren, Otto, & Sprich, 2004).
Similarly, in another study, couples therapy was found to improve relationship satisfaction and decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety in neurodiverse couples (Preece et al., 2017).
Working with the Neurodiverse is a highly specialized subset of science-based couples therapy.
While couples therapy for neurodiverse couples can be highly effective, it is important to work with a therapist who has experience and training in working with these populations.
Unfortunately, most couples therapists do not.
AANE is an organization that serves neurodiverse couples and their children.
They are deeply committed to training therapists who is knowledgeable about neurodevelopmental differences and the unique challenges that neurodiverse couples face.
Couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is a specialized form of therapy that can help couples to overcome the unique challenges they face in their relationships.
Through the use of targeted interventions, neurodiverse couples can develop the skills and strategies they need to build a stronger, more emotionally resilient relationship.
Science-based couples therapy can help neurodiverse couples to navigate the complexities of their relationship and build an intimate life together that is fulfilling, meaningful, and rewarding.
Neurodiverse couples therapy is highly personalized.
It’s worth noting that couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Rather, therapy should be tailored to the unique needs and strengths of each partner. That’s why a careful assessment is essential to the formulation of a treatment plan.
This may involve adapting specific therapeutic techniques, specialized assessment tools, that are not commonly used with neurotypical couples.
Other special challenges of neurodiversity.
One important consideration in couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is the role of neurodiversity in the relationship.
Neurodiversity refers to the idea that differences in neurocognitive functioning are a natural and valuable part of human diversity, rather than a disorder or deficit.
It is important for therapists working with neurodiverse couples to take a strengths-based approach that recognizes and celebrates the unique strengths and abilities of each partner.
Another important consideration in couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is the role of stigma and discrimination.
Neurodiverse individuals may face significant barriers to accessing mental health services, due to stigma and discrimination related to their “diagnosis.”
The Burden of Relational Disconnection.
It’s not uncommon for neurodiverse partners to carry a heavy load of anxiety and depression.
In fact, a number of studies have indicated that neurodivergent spouses often experience depression and anxiety at twice the rate their neurotypical spouse.
As if that weren’t challenging enough, the failure rate of neurodivergent marriages is nearly double the national average.
So it’s critical for therapists to offer a safe and welcoming environment for neurodiverse couples, and to work to reduce the impact of stigma and discrimination on the therapy process from day one.
Couples therapy for neurodiverse couples is a highly effective approach to improving relationship satisfaction and communication skills.
The training AANE gave me was extremely comprehensive.
Through the use of targeted interventions, tailored to your unique needs and strengths, you can learn to navigate the complexities of your relationship and build a strong and fulfilling life together.
I understand the challenges and strengths of neurodiverse couples. If you and your partner keep missing each other, it is possible to build a relationship that is grounded in empathy, understanding, and respect.
It’s possible to become curious instead of furious. Contact me today to discuss your situation.
RESEARCH
American Psychological Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5). American Psychiatric Association.
Bishop-Fitzpatrick, L., Minshew, N.J., & Eack, S.M. (2013). "A systematic review of psychosocial interventions for adults with autism spectrum disorders." Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 43(3), 687-694. doi: 10.1007/s10803-012-1615-8
Chambless, D. L., & Ollendick, T. H. (2001). Empirically supported psychological interventions: Controversies and evidence. Annual Review of Psychology, 52(1), 685-716.
Gray, K. M., & Tonge, B. J. (2001). Behavioural and cognitive-behavioural interventions for outwardly-directed aggressive young people with developmental disabilities: A review of the literature. Research in Developmental Disabilities, 22(6), 439-458.
Kasari, C., Freeman, S., & Paparella, T. (2006). Joint attention and symbolic play in young children with autism: A randomized controlled intervention study. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 47(6), 611-620.
Koegel, R. L., Koegel, L. K., & McNerney, E. K. (2001). Pivotal areas in intervention for autism. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 30(1), 19-32.
Mazefsky, C. A., & White, S. W. (2014). Emotion regulation: Concepts & practice in autism spectrum disorder. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 23(1), 15-24.
Murray-Swank, N.A., Dixon, M.R., Holmes, L.G., & Lyons, J.A. (2011). "Couple therapy for autism spectrum disorders: A case study." Family Process, 50(2), 264-279. doi: 10.1111/j.1545-5300.2011.01352.x
Preece, D., Becerra, R., Robinson, K., & Dandy, J. (2017). "Couple therapy for autism spectrum disorder: A single-case experimental design study." Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(3), 441-452. doi: 10.1111/jmft.12199
Reaven, J., Blakeley-Smith, A., Culhane-Shelburne, K., & Hepburn, S. (2012). Group cognitive behavior therapy for children with high-functioning autism spectrum disorders and anxiety: A randomized trial. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 53(4), 410-419.
Reaven, J., Blakeley-Smith, A., Leuthe, E., Moody, E., & Hepburn, S. (2012). Facing your fears in adolescence: Cognitive-behavioral therapy for high-functioning autism spectrum disorders and anxiety. Autism Research and Treatment, 2012, 1-11
Schwartzman, B.C., Wood, J.J., Kapp, S.K., & Ollendick, T.H. (2016). "Parent training for autism spectrum disorder: A review of best practices for developing and implementing programs." Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 27, 18-27. doi: 10.1016/j.rasd.2016.04.005
Siller, M., & Sigman, M. (2002). The behaviors of parents of children with autism predict the subsequent development of their children's communication. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 32(2), 77-89.
Solomon, M., Ono, M., Timmer, S., & Goodlin-Jones, B. (2008). The effectiveness of parent-child interaction therapy for families of children on the autism spectrum. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 38(9), 1767-1776.
Solomon, M., Goodlin-Jones, B. L., & Anders, T. F. (2004). A social adjustment enhancement intervention for high functioning autism, Asperger's syndrome, and pervasive developmental disorder NOS. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 34(6), 649-668.
Tsai, L.Y., Ghaziuddin, M., & Frye, R.E. (2014). "Autism spectrum disorders and psychiatry: Update on diagnostic issues and treatment considerations." Journal of Child Neurology, 29(3), 402-409. doi: 10.1177/0883073813505814
NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
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