Zemblanity in Relationships: Why Couples Keep Repeating the Same Fights
Monday, September 8, 2025. This is for Marly & Junta. Also a shout out to the Norman Mailer Society for introducing me to the word.
Most people know the word serendipity—a lucky accident, a happy surprise. But have you heard of its darker twin, zemblanity?
Coined by novelist William Boyd in Armadillo (1998), zemblanity describes the inevitable, unhappy discovery you saw coming all along. It’s sorta the exact opposite of serendipity.
In love and marriage, zemblanity shows up when couples keep circling back to the same arguments: money, sex, in-laws, or who left the lights on.
If you’ve ever thought “Here we go again” in your relationship, you’ve already met zemblanity.
And that’s when a couples therapist like me earns their keep.
Zemblanity vs. Serendipity in Marriage
Serendipity: Meeting your partner by chance, laughing about the same avocado at Trader Joe’s.
Zemblanity: Ten years later, fighting about the grocery bill for the hundredth time.
Serendipity gets the romance. Zemblanity gets the reruns. And in marriage, reruns can feel like slow emotional erosion.
Why Do Couples Keep Fighting About the Same Things?
Psychology gives us a sobering answer: letting go is painful.
Neuroimaging shows that discarding regrets, resentments, or cherished objects lights up the insula and anterior cingulate cortex—brain regions tied to emotional pain (Medford, 2010).
In other words, it’s not just habit when you replay the same fight—it’s wiring. Zemblanity is baked into the brain’s homeostatic resistance to loss and change.
How Effective Science-Based Couples Therapy Interrupts Zemblanity
The good news: predictability is also power. If zemblanity makes your relationship conflicts inevitable, therapy can make them navigable.
Name it to tame it. Saying, “We’re in a zemblanity loop,” creates awareness and reduces shame.
Flip the script. If you know how the argument usually ends, improvise a different middle.
Use humor. For some couples, a well-timed wry line like, “I could lip-sync your next response,” might defuse tension.
Science-based couples therapy doesn’t erase conflict—it teaches couples how to change the choreography when the same old music starts to play.
Common Zemblanity Moments in Relationships
The Money Loop – The argument that shows up every payday.
The Chore Wars – The eternal tally of who did more.
The In-Law Issue – Predictable tension that resurfaces every damn holiday.
The Intimacy Gap – Same debate, just a different week.
These fights aren’t unique—they’re universal. The fact that they repeat doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you need new strategies.
Breaking the Groundhog Day Cycle of Relationship Zemblanity
Here’s the shift: zemblanity isn’t just a curse, it’s also a map. If you know where the argument begins, you also know at what point it can be interrupted.
Practical steps:
Notice the script. If you can predict the ending, you have a chance to change it.
Ask different questions. Instead of “Why do you always…,” try “What do you need from me right now?”
Turn inevitability into invitation. Zemblanity can be the signal that it’s time to experiment with fresh new responses.
Zemblanity as Your Wake-Up Call
Couples don’t need more serendipity.
They need courage to confront the homeostasis of zemblanity—the predictable conflicts that make love feel like a rerun.
Naming the cycle doesn’t doom you. It frees you.
So next time you feel that sigh rising, call it out: “This is our zemblanity moment.” Then, instead of resigning yourselves to the rerun, choose to rewrite the scene.
Because that’s the real work of therapy: not avoiding zemblanity, but using it as the very cue to finally change the story. I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Boyd, W. (1998). Armadillo. Knopf.
Medford, N. (2010). Conjoint activity of anterior insular and anterior cingulate cortices during error processing. Brain Structure and Function, 214(5–6), 613–622. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00429-010-0261-3