Why the Insecurely Attached Hate Compromise (and Love Drama)

Friday, August 29, 2025.

Compromise is the glue stick of love. Not sexy, not elegant, but it keeps the whole thing from falling apart.

Without it? You don’t have a relationship. You have two people running competing political campaigns under one roof.

And here’s the bad news: some folks simply can’t do it.

A new study in Sexual and Relationship Therapy shows that folks with insecure attachment styles—the worriers, the avoiders, the ones rehearsing their exit speech—are way less likely to compromise (Mozafari & Xu, 2024).

Instead, they go for one of four classics: yell, sulk, control, or ghost. Conflict resolution, but make it chaos.

Conflict Comes Free with Every Relationship

Every couple fights. If you’re not fighting, one of you is quietly stockpiling resentments the way doomsday preppers stock canned beans.

Small fights? Who left the sponge in the sink. Big fights? Do we even want the same life. Done right, conflict can actually make a couple stronger (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Done wrong, it’s like termites in the floorboards—by the time you notice, you’re living in ruins.

Trauma + Attachment = Trouble

The researchers, Ahva Rashin Mozafari and Xiaomeng Xu, surveyed 365 college students in relationships. Demographically, it was standard college stuff: young, mostly women, mostly white, mostly straight. But the trauma reports? Rough:

• 85% had experienced at least one interpersonal trauma.

• Over a quarter reported childhood abuse (physical or sexual).

• 63% reported emotional abuse.

So yeah, not just “who ate my pizza roll?” arguments. And trauma has a way of twisting attachment styles—making people either cling like a barnacle or retreat like a cat under the bed (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

What They Found

Insecurely attached people weren’t compromising. They were:

• Escalating. Anger, domination, fireworks.

• Submitting. Folding like origami.

• Bailing. Just ending it.

Trauma itself only weakly predicted conflict style, but it did raise the odds of walking away. Which is another way of saying: trauma supplies the gasoline, insecure attachment lights the match.

Why You Should Care

Anxiously attached people fight like every argument is a breakup. Avoidants go full Switzerland—neutral, distant, and quietly judgmental (Fraley & Shaver, 2000). Neither playbook is great for compromise.

Securely attached people, on the other hand, talk, listen, negotiate. Honestly, it’s kind of boring. And that’s why it works.

The Fine Print

Yes, this was self-reported data. People remember themselves as heroes of their own story. But even allowing for bias, the pattern was clear: insecure attachment and compromise mix like tequila and email.

FAQ: Insecure Attachment and Compromise

Can insecure attachment change?
Yes. Attachment styles aren’t birthmarks. Therapy, secure partners, and consistent safety help (Levy et al., 2015). Sadly, TikTok hacks do not.

How do I know if I avoid compromise?
When you argue, do you always need to win, always roll over, or always walk? If “middle ground” feels like surrender, your attachment system is behind the wheel.

Does trauma always cause insecure attachment?
No. Trauma makes it more likely, but plenty of people still build secure bonds. It often depends on whether you had at least one relationship in your corner (van IJzendoorn & Bakermans-Kranenburg, 2019).

Why is compromise such a big deal?
Because otherwise you’re basically living in trench warfare. Couples who compromise report more trust and satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Plus, divorce lawyers aren’t cheap.

Can patience fix my partner’s attachment style?
Patience helps, but it isn’t plumbing. You can’t “wait out” insecure attachment. It takes work—yours and theirs (Johnson, 2019). Babysitting isn’t therapy.

The Takeaway

Relationships don’t collapse from one blow-up fight. They collapse from a thousand little ones where nobody budges.

Secure couples bend. Insecure couples break.

Compromise won’t thrill you, and it won’t make your pulse race, but it will keep your love standing when the drama has burned itself out.

Duct tape may not be glamorous, but it beats watching the whole house collapse

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2015). Attachment style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 71(11), 1247–1259. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22210

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Mozafari, A. R., & Xu, X. (2024). Examining the associations among lifetime interpersonal trauma, attachment, and romantic relationship conflict. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2024.xxxxxx final doi is pending.

van IJzendoorn, M. H., & Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J. (2019). Bridges across the intergenerational transmission of attachment gap. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 31–36. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.014