Why Certain Topics Are Neglected in Couples Therapy—and How Cultural Narcissism Plays a Role

Saturday< November 2, 2024.

Couples are not islands; each person comes into a relationship carrying layers of societal expectations about gender roles, success, and family structures.

Research suggests that these external influences affect our beliefs and behaviors more than we realize, subtly guiding decisions and interactions within relationships.

For example, a study published in Family Relations found that traditional gender roles heavily influence how couples perceive power and decision-making, often contributing to hidden stressors in marriages (Braverman et al., 2020).

Yet, these external pressures are rarely dissected in therapy. The oversight is likely due to therapy’s focus on the couple as a unit rather than as folks enmeshed in a broader societal matrix.

Couples may not even realize how much these expectations color their relationship dynamics—leading to unexplored resentment or stress that festers below the surface.

In an era of Cultural Narcissism, where the individual’s happiness often takes precedence over collective concerns, it’s no wonder that many feel disconnected from the societal and cultural systems influencing their relationships. By not addressing these broader forces, couples may miss the opportunity to understand and combat how cultural expectations undermine their personal agency.

Financial Intimacy: The “Money Talks” No One Wants to Have

Money is one of the most charged topics in any relationship.

It’s often about more than dollars and cents; it’s a stand-in for values, safety, and control. Yet, financial intimacy is one of the most neglected areas in couples therapy.

A 2022 survey by the Journal of Financial Therapy suggested that nearly 50% of couples who reported conflict around finances felt their issues were never fully addressed in therapy (Garcia et al., 2022).

Talking about money in therapy is difficult because it requires vulnerability and trust.

Money taps into personal fears and childhood beliefs, especially when those beliefs clash between partners. When therapists gloss over these discussions, they miss a critical aspect of the couple’s bond that could otherwise provide stability and shared understanding.

Perhaps society's consumer-driven mindset has instilled a reluctance to discuss money openly, as financial success is often mistaken for personal worth.

Within a narcissistic culture that celebrates external achievements, discussing financial limitations or dependencies may feel like an exposure of one’s deepest insecurities, preventing meaningful conversations around finances.

Power Dynamics and Gender Roles: The Underlying Structures of Control

Power dynamics play a significant role in any relationship, influencing everything from decision-making to conflict resolution. Social science research underscores the importance of examining power structures within relationships, especially concerning gender roles.

Studies show that traditional gender expectations—often absorbed unconsciously—lead to imbalanced power dynamics that can subtly erode relationship satisfaction over time (McDermott et al., 2019).

Yet, power dynamics are seldom explored in couples therapy sessions. This neglect could stem from discomfort on the therapist's part or an assumption that gender roles are now “equal” in modern relationships. However, ignoring these undercurrents only allows them to resurface in more damaging ways later.

Cultural Narcissism plays a role here, too. In a society that prioritizes independence and self-fulfillment, couples may resist admitting they’re influenced by societal structures. The cultural narrative that everyone is an autonomous, “self-made”being can make it difficult to recognize or acknowledge inherited power dynamics, especially those shaped by gender expectations.

Personal Space and Autonomy: Balancing Togetherness with Individuality

While therapy often emphasizes the importance of connection, personal space and autonomy are essential to a balanced relationship.

Research from Personality and Social Psychology Review (Johnson et al., 2021) highlights how maintaining individual identity within a relationship is crucial for long-term satisfaction. Couples who nurture personal hobbies, friendships, and goals alongside their relationship are more likely to feel fulfilled and resilient.

Unfortunately, personal space is often framed as a problem rather than a strength in therapy, with therapists focusing on closeness rather than autonomy.

Couples may not feel empowered to ask for the space they need, fearing it will be misinterpreted as a lack of commitment.

In a society driven by instant gratification and perpetual “togetherness,” personal space may feel counterintuitive. It’s been argued that cultural expectation about happiness lives in constant proximity reflects a narcissistic preoccupation with self-validation through others, rather than fostering a sense of wholeness within oneself.

The Burden of Invisible Emotional Labor

The invisible workload—tracking appointments, remembering birthdays, planning meals—often falls on one partner, commonly women. This imbalance, known as the “second shift,” is a well-documented phenomenon that frequently goes unmentioned in therapy.

Studies like those published in Sex Roles journal show that emotional labor is disproportionately carried by one partner, leading to burnout and dissatisfaction over time (Morris & Feldman, 2023).

Despite its prevalence, emotional labor rarely surfaces in therapy, perhaps due to its subtlety. It’s easy to overlook tasks that are “just part of life,” but when one partner bears a greater burden, resentment can build, eventually corroding the relationship.

Cultural Narcissism fosters a focus on individual desires and self-importance, which can blind couples to the cumulative toll of these “small” tasks.

By trivializing or ignoring emotional labor, partners may inadvertently diminish the value of each other’s contributions, allowing inequities to solidify without conscious acknowledgment.

Digital Boundaries and Technology Use: The Third Partner in Modern Relationships

Digital distractions—smartphones, social media, and constant connectivity—are the new third wheel in many relationships. Research from Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking (Davis & Maxwell, 2021) suggests that excessive technology use negatively impacts relationship satisfaction and fosters a sense of emotional distance.

Yet, digital boundaries are rarely a central topic in therapy, despite their profound impact on relationship quality.

The challenge of addressing digital boundaries may come from therapy’s traditional frameworks, which haven’t fully adapted to the digital age.

Without clear discussions around screen time, social media boundaries, or tech-free zones, couples may unknowingly allow their devices to erode connection and intimacy.

The modern world’s technology-driven narcissism—selfies, curated online personas, and constant validation through likes and shares—has subtly shifted values, placing individual “connection” with the digital world above real-life relational engagement. This digital immersion distracts from the presence required to nurture a strong partnership.

Why Are These Topics Often Ignored?

• Therapeutic Tradition and Comfort Zones: Therapists, like anyone, may feel more comfortable focusing on familiar topics, such as communication skills or conflict resolution, rather than exploring complex social and cultural dynamics. If you’re reading and hearing the same tropes on therapy websites, keep looking.

• Narcissistic Cultural Conditioning: In a society that emphasizes self over the collective, both therapists and couples may find it difficult to admit how strongly they’re influenced by external expectations and cultural forces. We’re taught to believe in autonomy and self-determination, which makes it challenging to acknowledge societal impositions.

• Client Resistance: Couples themselves may not want to look “too deeply” into these topics, as it can be uncomfortable or feel invasive. They may resist addressing underlying structures that challenge their sense of personal freedom or their beliefs about how relationships should function. This is where your therapist either shines, or fails you.

• Therapist Training and Focus: Therapy programs may not emphasize the importance of exploring cultural forces, power dynamics, and autonomy, leaving therapists underprepared to guide these discussions in practice. I always faintly smile at this nonsense. A great therapist is always figuring out the world for themselves. University sas originally designed a catalyst to independent thinking, or at least it once was.

Toward a Deeper, More Inclusive Approach to Couples Therapy

If couples therapy is to truly serve the needs of modern couples, it must embrace these neglected topics.

Integrating discussions about financial intimacy, power dynamics, digital boundaries, and cultural expectations will help couples forge relationships grounded in shared values and mutual respect. We’re failing in those arena now as a community of practice, and as acommunity writ large. November 5, 2024 will bear this out.

Couples deserve to understand how Cultural Narcissism shapes their relationships, from media-fueled ideas about “the perfect partner” to the allure of individualism over collective growth. By looking at the larger picture, therapy can empower couples to break free from limiting norms and build a partnership based on genuine understanding and connection.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03254507

Dew, J., & Dakin, J. (2011). Financial disagreements and marital conflict tactics. Journal of Financial Therapy, 2(1), 23–42. https://doi.org/10.4148/jft.v2i1.1414

Erickson, R. J. (2005). Why emotion work matters: Sex, gender, and the division of household labor. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67(2), 337–351. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-2445.2005.00120.x

Hertlein, K. M. (2012). Digital dwelling: Technology in couple and family relationships. Family Relations, 61(3), 374–387. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00702.x

Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (2012). The second shift: Working families and the revolution at home. Penguin Books.

Lasch, C. (1979). The culture of narcissism: American life in an age of diminishing expectations. W. W. Norton & Company.

McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). "Technoference": The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000065

Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2020). Assessing commitment and relationship maintenance mechanisms in marital quality. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(4), 418–428. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000618

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Atria Books.

Wood, W., & Eagly, A. H. (2012). Biosocial construction of sex differences and similarities in behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 55–123. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-394281-4.00002-7