When Narcissistic Parents Get Old

Monday, October 21, 2024.

Dealing with narcissistic parents is challenging at any age, but when those parents get older, the dynamics often shift in unexpected and draining ways.

As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen how this transition affects adult children, who often find themselves managing care responsibilities alongside the emotional fallout of a lifetime marinated in narcissism.

With the rise of cultural narcissism and a societal emphasis on self-importance, navigating these dynamics has become even more complicated.

This blog post explores what happens when narcissistic parents reach their golden years.

We’ll explore how their increased needs affect family dynamics, the role of cultural narcissism in shaping these behaviors, and how adult children can set boundaries while maintaining their well-being.

We’ll also blend social science research with practical insights—and yes, a touch of humor—because sometimes laughter is the best way to get through this self-absorbed chaos.

The Changing Dynamic: When Narcissistic Parents Age

Aging is a time of change for anyone, but for narcissistic parents, it can bring about an identity crisis.

Unlike most older adults who might become more reflective, narcissists often react to the aging process by clinging more fiercely to their need for control, admiration, and validation.

This behavior is frequently rooted in a profound fear of losing relevance (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

As their physical abilities diminish and their social circles shrink, the fear of becoming irrelevant can become overwhelming.

Narcissistic parents may demand more attention, downplaying or outright ignoring the needs of their adult children.

In some cases, this behavior can escalate to emotional manipulation, where their health or vulnerability is leveraged to maintain control over their children's time and resources (Miller, 2019).

The cultural shift towards more individualistic values in the West has only intensified these dynamics, as narcissistic tendencies have found more social acceptance (Lasch, 1979; Twenge et al., 2012).

Cultural Narcissism and the Aging Narcissist

The phenomenon of Cultural Narcissism, a term popularized by Christopher Lasch in The Culture of Narcissism (1979), refers to the broader societal shift towards self-importance and individualism.

Lasch argued that the focus on self-expression and the pursuit of personal fulfillment has led to a society where narcissistic traits are not only common but often rewarded.

Research by Twenge and Campbell (2009) on generational differences highlights how Baby Boomers—many of whom are now in their older years—were part of the first generation raised with these self-centric values.

As they age, their narcissistic traits can become more pronounced, particularly when faced with physical decline or loss of status.

This generational shift means that adult children today often face heightened challenges when managing a narcissistic parent's demands.

Guilt, Obligation, and Role Reversal

A major challenge for adult children of narcissistic parents is the tension between duty and self-preservation.

Many feel obligated to care for their aging parents, despite a history of emotional harm. This sense of duty is often intertwined with guilt, which can be compounded by societal expectations around filial piety and caregiving (McBride, 2008).

Adult children may struggle to set boundaries, fearing that doing so makes them selfish or ungrateful.

But, as research by Lubit (2017) points out, boundaries are crucial for maintaining mental health when dealing with a toxic or manipulative parent.

For example, limiting the duration of visits, engaging professional caregivers, or even seeking outside support for emotional needs can be essential steps toward self-care.

Finding humor in the situation can be a small but powerful act of resilience. Sometimes, acknowledging the absurdity of a situation—like a parent insisting that you aren’t visiting often enough while simultaneously critiquing your every move—can bring a bit of levity to an otherwise difficult dynamic. It’s the art of saying, “So, I’m the worst daughter ever and you’re mad I didn’t bring your groceries exactly on time? Got it, Mom.”

The Struggle for Control: Narcissism Meets Vulnerability

Narcissistic parents are used to being in control.

But aging often strips away the independence they’ve relied on to maintain their superiority.

Losing the ability to drive, manage finances, or maintain a household can be a severe blow to their sense of self. According to research, this shift can trigger “narcissistic injury,” leading to emotional outbursts, self-pity, or heightened manipulation as they try to reclaim control (Campbell et al., 2004).

For the adult child, this means that the power dynamics in the relationship may shift, but the emotional burden remains.

Some narcissistic parents may resort to playing the victim to manipulate their children into providing constant care and attention. It’s a tactic that relies on guilt and the fear of being seen as a “bad child,” especially in cultures that emphasize familial loyalty (Westerhof & Keyes, 2010).

Balancing Compassion and Boundaries

It’s important to recognize that not every adult child of a narcissistic parent can or should take on the role of caregiver. For those who do, establishing boundaries becomes even more crucial.

According to Lubit (2017), setting boundaries helps protect the mental health of adult children, allowing them to maintain some level of involvement without sacrificing their own well-being.

Here are a few practical strategies:

• Know Your Limits: Understand that you don’t have to shoulder the burden alone. There’s no shame in bringing in professional help or relying on community resources.

• Create Emotional Distance: This doesn’t mean you have to cut off all contact but focus on limiting emotionally charged interactions. Shorter, structured visits can help reduce the chance for manipulation.

• Focus on Self-Care: Research by Neff (2003) emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in difficult relationships. Giving yourself permission to step back and take care of your own emotional needs is not selfish—it’s necessary.

• Prepare for Pushback: Narcissistic parents often resist boundaries, especially if it means losing control. Expect pushback, and remember that maintaining your boundaries is about protecting your own mental health.

Finding Acceptance in an Imperfect Relationship

The relationship between a narcissistic parent and their child is rarely straightforward.

There is grief over the parent they could have been, anger over the ways they continue to hurt, and sometimes, a stubborn form of love that endures despite it all.

Aging doesn’t make a narcissist easier to deal with, but it can open a path toward acceptance—acceptance that the relationship may never become what you wanted, but that you can still live a life defined by your own terms.

It’s kind of obvious that Cultural Narcissism, in many ways, has normalized these patterns, making it even more crucial for adult children, ironically, to carve out their own space.

As Twenge et al. (2012) point out, the rise of individualism has led to a decrease in communal support systems, leaving many to navigate these challenges alone.

But you don’t have to do it all by yourself. If you’ve read this far, I can help with that.

Seeking support from friends, support groups, or a good therapist can make a world of difference.

As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and caring for an aging narcissistic parent means practicing self-care, keeping some energy for yourself.

Because while they may always be looking for that spotlight, you deserve a life that’s yours—free of emotional exhaustion and full of the kindness they could never quite give.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Brunell, A. B. (2004). Narcissism and relationships: The role of self-esteem regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(3), 521-534.

Lasch, C. (1979). The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations. W.W. Norton & Company.

Lubit, R. (2017). Narcissistic personality disorder: A clinical overview. Psychiatric Times, 34(5), 44-48.

McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Free Press.

Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2019). Addressing the ongoing concerns with the conceptualization of narcissism: A call for new directions. Journal of Research in Personality, 82, 103856.

Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.

Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Gentile, B. (2012). Changes in pronoun use in American books and the rise of individualism. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 43(7), 1197-1202.

Westerhof, G. J., & Keyes, C. L. (2010). Mental illness and mental health: The two continua model across the lifespan. Journal of Adult Development, 17(2), 110-119.