What is a Communal Narcissist?
Saturday, July 20, 2024.
In his seminal 1979 work, The Culture of Narcissism, the brilliant social scientist Christopher Lasch argued that the American personality and psychology had changed dramatically over the latter part of the 20th century.
Americans had shifted from being strong and well-adjusted folks to exhibiting a "minimal" self — a personality that is weak and dependent on government, corporations, radical politics, sex, and bureaucracies for some enduring sense of meaning.
A central idea in Lasch's analysis, crucial for understanding the new woke generation, is how infants develop.
Drawing on Sigmund Freud, Lasch contended that an infant's interactions with the world result in feelings of either omnipotence or helplessness.
In their fantasy world, a toddler sees themselves either as the ruler of the world, demanding immediate gratification of their needs, or as entirely helpless and dependent on their parents for survival. These represent two extremes that need to be balanced out.
To achieve a healthy transition into adulthood, it’s necessary for parents, the community, and what Lasch referred to as "transitional objects"—such as toys, games, siblings, and pets—to introduce limits into a child's world.
These objects help shrink the scale of fantasies, introduce reality, and foster healthy development.
However, in the latter part of the 20th century, the responsibility for raising children shifted to television, the helping professions, schools, and bureaucracies. Lasch expert George Scialabba summarized this process as follows:
"Formerly, the presence of potent but fallible individuals, economically self-sufficient, with final legal and moral authority over their children’s upbringing, provided one kind of template for the growing child’s psychic development.
As fathers (and increasingly mothers) became employees, with the family’s economic survival dependent on remote, abstract corporate authorities, and as care-taking parents were increasingly supervised or replaced by educational, medical, and social-welfare bureaucracies, the template changed.
The child now has no human-size authority figures in the immediate environment against which to measure itself and so reduce its fantasies to human scale. As a result, it continues to alternate between fantasies of omnipotence and helplessness.
This makes acceptance of limits, finitude, and death more difficult, which in turn makes commitment and perseverance of any kind—civic, artistic, sexual, parental—more difficult. The result is narcissism."
Lasch described this phenomenon succinctly:
"Having surrendered most of his technical skills to the corporation, [the contemporary American] can no longer provide for his material needs.
As the family loses not only its productive functions but many of its reproductive functions as well, men and women no longer manage even to raise their children without the help of certified experts.
The atrophy of older traditions of self-help has eroded everyday competence, in one area after another. It has made the individual dependent on the state, the corporation, and other bureaucracies."
Observing the behavior of the modern woke generation, Lasch’s words seem strikingly oddly prophetic.
College students scream like toddlers when confronted with a speaker they dislike.
Arrogant activists of both stripes assert that their truth is paramount, and self-proclaimed amateur psychologists encourage mentally unstable people to demand respect without earning it.
This is the world that The Culture of Narcissism foresaw back when Carter was president. These folks are not the old communists with their "dialectical materialism" and pseudoscience about social evolution.
Instead, they are humans without a secure sense of self, throwing tantrums. They seek validation and meaning in a community of the like-minded. Some seek it on the left, and some on the right.
The Woke of this generation are not egotistical, assertive activists. They are people lacking a sense of self, history, and confidence. What makes things more complicated is that they’ve been born into a time when their communal narcissism can flourish because it has political utility.
More than 40 years after the publication of The Culture of Narcissism, a profound sense of communal grievance has come to assert itself in American culture. Enter the communal narcissist.
What is a Communal Narcissist?
Communal narcissism is like regular narcissism with a community twist. It's characterized by an inflated sense of importance and a strong need for admiration from others. Communal narcissists present themselves as altruistic, caring, and extremely community-minded.
The Left express it as a hunger and thirst for justice, and on the right it’s manifested as patriotism and defending against dangerous woke ideas. Communal Narcissism is a more a distorted pattern of emotional reasoning than a particular political conviction.
Communal Narcissists are extroverted, have an inflated self-view, and believe their abilities and characteristics to be superior, and commendable in the communal domain.
Folks who display Communal Narcissism often seek out positions of power and influence within their groups, always eager to be seen as the hero of their community.
Have you ever met someone who seems obsessed with their good deeds, constantly reminding you (and everyone else) of how selfless, altruistic, god-fearing, and patriotic they are?
You might just be dealing with the aforementioned Communal Narcissist.
As a couples therapist, I’ve seen the curious case of the Communal Narcissist unfold more than a few times.
It’s a fascinating blend of narcissism cloaked in community service and activism. Let’s dive into this intriguing personality type and explore what it means for relationships when one or both partners are communal narcissists.
Defining Communal Narcissism
A Communal Narcissist is someone who feels a compelling need to satisfy their self-esteem needs from their perceived generosity and helpfulness (as they choose to define it).
Unlike the classic narcissist who thrives on admiration for their achievements, beauty, or power, the communal narcissist wants to be seen as the epitome of benevolence.
They’ll volunteer for every charity, adopt stray animals, and never miss a chance to tell you how much they care about their pet social causes.
In essence, Communal Narcissists are the humanitarian show-offs of the narcissistic spectrum. Their motto might as well be, “Look how splendid I am!”
Characteristics of Communal Narcissists
Excessive Altruism: They are always involved in activities that paint them as saviors.
Validation-Seeking: They crave acknowledgment for their good deeds.
Moral Superiority: They often believe they are morally superior to others.
Manipulative Helpfulness: Their help often comes with strings attached.
The Impact of Communal Narcissism in Relationships
When one or both partners in a relationship are communal narcissists, it can create a unique dynamic. Let’s look at some of the common scenarios:
Competing for the Moral High Ground
Imagine two people constantly trying to outdo each other in acts of kindness. Instead of a romantic dinner, you might find them arguing over who donated more to the local food bank.
It’s like a never-ending episode of "The Good Deed Olympics," where the winner gets... well, bragging rights.
Validation Wars
In a relationship with a communal narcissist, each partner might incessantly seek validation not just from each other but also from the wider community. This can lead to frustration and feelings of inadequacy if one partner feels overshadowed by the other’s charitable spotlight.
Neglect of Genuine Emotional Intimacy
Focusing excessively on outward displays of altruism can sometimes mean neglecting the emotional needs of the relationship. Partners may feel like they’re in a public relations campaign rather than a loving partnership.
Martyr Complex
Communal Narcissists can develop a martyr complex, believing they are sacrificing so much for the good of others (including their partner), leading to resentment and guilt-tripping. Phrases like “After all I’ve done for you...” become the soundtrack of the relationship.
Managing a Relationship with a Communal Narcissist
If you suspect your partner of being a Communal Narcissist, here are some tips to navigate the relationship:
Open Communication: Discuss the need for genuine intimacy and validation within the relationship.
Set Boundaries: Ensure that acts of kindness are genuinely altruistic and not just undertaken for external validation.
Focus on the Relationship: Prioritize dyadic emotional needs and relationship building over public displays of benevolence.
Seek Therapy: A couples therapist can help navigate the unique challenges posed by communal narcissism.
Final thoughts
Understanding Communal Narcissism is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic. While their deeds might be outwardly admirable, self-absorbed underlying motivations can complicate intimate relationships.
However, this form of narcissism was installed by history. The communal narcissist had no say in the cultural removal of transitional objects. They didn’t ask to be raised by ideas instead of parents. They might need to detox digitally, for starters.
With open communication, setting boundaries, and perhaps a bit of professional guidance, these couples might navigate these challenges of communal narcissism with a bit more skill, and still manage to save the world. LOL.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES
Gebauer, J. E., Sedikides, C., Verplanken, B., & Maio, G. R. (2012). Communal Narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(5), 854-878. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029629
Craig, R. J. (2005). Assessing contemporary definitions of narcissistic personality disorder: A theoretical review. Journal of Psychiatric Practice, 11(6), 381-389. https://doi.org/10.1097/00131746-200511000-00006
