White Knights vs. Black Knights: Understanding Pro-Social and Anti-Social Narcissism in Relationships

Thursday, October 31, 2024.

As a marriage and family therapist, I’m constantly exploring narcissistic personality traits within the context of relationships.

While narcissism is often seen as a challenge, it’s surprisingly varied.

To understand these distinctions, narcissistic adaptations as characterized as either pro-social (our “White Knights”) or anti-social (our “Black Knights”).

This paradigm, inspired by classic archetypes, helps us consider how narcissistic behaviors might influence relationships—some for good, others with more destructive outcomes.

Narcissism in Relationships: White Knights and Black Knights

Seeing narcissism as an adaptive response rather than a rigid “disorder” brings a fresh, compassionate insight.

Many of these adaptations show up early in life, often in response to childhood challenges. They influence self-perception, social relationships, and relationship dynamics, sometimes helping, sometimes harming human bonds.

In the classic Arthurian tales, White Knights vowed to champion the helpless, gaining respect through heroic deeds.

By contrast, Black Knights thrived on power and intimidation, demanding respect by taking it.

In therapy, these archetypes mirror the dynamics seen in some clients—some lean toward helping others, while others prioritize self-interest. Both seek a sense of self-worth, yet their approaches—and impacts—differ starkly.

Pro-Social Narcissists: The White Knights

Pro-social narcissists, or “White Knights,” strive for validation through benevolent acts.

They may genuinely care about making a positive impact but often seek recognition as “the good guy.”

Dr. Craig Malkin’s concept of “echoism” fits here—White Knights seek admiration for their helpfulness and good deeds (Malkin, 2015). For them, public acts of charity or generosity serve as a psychological boost.

Take Hal, my client who loves his job as CEO of an international children’s charity, dedicating hours to raising funds and helping starving children. Known as a “do-gooder,” Hal’s work earns him admiration, bolstering his self-image.

Yet at home, his wife Sylvia experiences a different side.

In private, Hal’s attention wanes, and he can be indifferent, leaving Sylvia feeling more like a supporting character in his life story than an equal partner.

This duality is common among White Knights, who may enjoy the admiration that comes with charitable work but struggle with intimacy and emotional connection at home.

Pro-social narcissists tend to exhibit intellectual empathy—an understanding of others’ feelings without truly resonating with them emotionally (Hepper et al., 2014). While they may know what others feel, they struggle with personal, intimate connections that go beyond social admiration.

Anti-Social Narcissists: The Black Knights

On the other hand, anti-social narcissists or “Black Knights” are self-focused to an extreme, often thriving on manipulation, intimidation, or simply taking what they want.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula identifies these individuals as “toxic” or “malignant” narcissists (Durvasula, 2019). For Black Knights, self-esteem is boosted not by admiration but through dominance and, at times, others’ misfortunes.

Consider the film Pretty Woman.

Richard Gere’s character, Edward, dismantles companies as a way of rebelling against his father’s control.

Each takeover is a symbolic way to restore his ego.

Edward isn’t just ignoring others’ needs—he’s reveling in his control, illustrating classic anti-social narcissism. When he begins dating Vivian, a woman from a different background, it’s a relationship he controls with money, keeping the power dynamic tilted in his favor.

One client of mine, Sandy, was drawn to her husband Ralph’s powerful personality and social dominance.

But Ralph’s need to control extended into their relationship, turning critical and hurtful over time. Sandy began to feel emotionally drained, fearing his criticism and rage at the smallest mistakes. Such situations reveal the destructive potential of Black Knights and the toll they take on those closest to them.

Anti-social narcissists are associated with “malignant narcissism,” marked by aggression, lack of empathy, and even sadism (Kernberg, 1975). They often bring discord and distress into relationships, prioritizing personal gain over connection.

Traits Shared by White and Black Knights

While White and Black Knights differ in their methods, they share certain narcissistic challenges, which often emerge in relationships:

• Unstable Self-Esteem: Both types are highly vulnerable to self-esteem fluctuations and require external validation.

• Binary Self-Image: Narcissists typically see themselves as either perfect or worthless, with little room for nuance.

• Blame and Devaluation: When things go wrong, narcissists often blame others, and conflict can become inevitable.

• Low Emotional Empathy: Both types struggle with emotional connection; pro-social types may mask this with intellectual empathy.

These shared traits mean that even pro-social narcissists may struggle in close relationships, as their need for admiration can overshadow their ability to connect authentically.

Using Cinematherapy to Understand Narcissistic Adaptations

Films like Pretty Woman can be powerful tools in understanding narcissistic dynamics.

By viewing characters like Edward through the lens of cinematherapy, clients gain a visual and emotional understanding of behaviors. They can observe and discuss these behaviors without directly confronting their own experiences, often leading to greater insights and openness in therapy.

Cinematherapy has been shown to aid in self-awareness by helping clients recognize relational patterns and explore these dynamics in a low-stakes way (Sharp et al., 2012). Discussing fictional behaviors can feel less threatening, making it easier to broach difficult topics, such as narcissistic behaviors in therapy.

Why Understanding Pro-Social and Anti-Social Narcissism Matters

Recognizing these types of narcissism in relationships can guide therapy and inform approaches.

Pro-social narcissists may be more open to therapy and cultivating empathy with partners, while anti-social narcissists often require firm boundaries and a focus on personal accountability.

The White Knights of narcissism bring certain benefits to society through charitable acts and social responsibility.

In contrast, Black Knights prioritize self-advancement, often at the expense of others. This distinction is crucial for partners and therapists alike, offering a clearer understanding of what each type brings to—and demands from—their relationships.

A Nuanced View of Narcissistic Traits

Narcissism isn’t black-and-white, even though we’re using that lens. Too much of our discussion on narcissism is ironically characterized by brittle, black and white “us” vs. “them” thinking.

By considering pro-social and anti-social traits, we gain a fuller picture of how narcissism affects relationships. This helps us appreciate the complexities of narcissistic adaptations, offering more personalized support for clients and their partners.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Durvasula, R. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Hepper, E. G., Hart, C. M., & Sedikides, C. (2014). Moving Narcissus: Can Narcissists Be Empathic? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(9), 1079–1091.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. Harper Wave.

Sharp, C., Steinberg, L., Yaroslavsky, I., & Ha, C. (2012). Exploring the Function of Cinematherapy in Clinical Practice. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 59(3), 408-415.