Therapy-Adjacent: When Your Partner Thinks They’re a Couples Therapist (Without Actually Going to Therapy)

Tuesday, September 24, 2024.

Here’s the scene: You’re sitting down for dinner, and out of nowhere, your partner says, “I think we should revisit that unresolved emotional issue from last week after we’ve both processed it.”

Sound a little familiar?

If your partner has spent their weekend binging self-help podcasts, reading relationship books, and sprinkling therapy terms into everyday conversation, congratulations—you’re in a therapy-adjacent relationship.

In this post, we’ll explore what it means to be therapy-adjacent, why armchair therapy isn’t quite the same as actual therapy, and dive into the science behind why self-help can sometimes miss the mark.

What Does Therapy-Adjacent Mean?

Being therapy-adjacent refers to someone who’s become deeply invested in self-help books, relationship podcasts, and TED Talks about communication and emotional growth.

They start doling out advice to their partner based on what they’ve learned, but without actually attending therapy themselves.

It’s kind of like being an unlicensed therapist in your own home—whether your partner asked for it or not.

Sure, it’s great that your partner wants to improve your relationship, but when their self-help wisdom turns into unsolicited therapy-like advice, it can get a little overwhelming. Phrases like “I think you’re projecting” or “We need to work on our emotional attunement” start creeping into daily conversations, leaving you wondering when your relationship became an episode of Dr. Phil.

The Science Behind Self-Help vs. Real Therapy

While self-help content can provide helpful tips and advice, it doesn’t quite match the effectiveness of professional therapy.

Research published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that while self-help interventions can be beneficial, they often lack the structured feedback and accountability that come with working with a licensed therapist (Cuijpers et al., 2010).

In short, your partner’s new obsession with relationship podcasts can offer insight, but it doesn’t give them the tools to manage deeper emotional issues.

One key concept to understand is the Dunning-Kruger effect—a cognitive bias where people with limited knowledge in a field overestimate their competence.

According to a study by Kruger and Dunning (1999), those with only surface-level understanding (like after reading one or two self-help books) are more likely to think they’ve got it all figured out. So, if your partner thinks they’re ready to handle all your relationship problems after one listen to a Brené Brown podcast, you might be dealing with a case of therapy-adjacent overconfidence.

Is Therapy-Adjacent Behavior the New Relationship Norm?

The rise of self-help content has made therapy-adjacent behavior more common.

With podcasts like Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel or books like The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, it’s easier than ever to consume relationship advice from home. But, while the intention is good, according to this meme, some partners start to use this new knowledge to play the role of an unqualified therapist.

It’s not that these self-help materials aren’t helpful—they can be, and usually are. I am an ally to most therapy-adjacent partners.

But self-help alone can only go so far. Without the context and nuance provided by an actual therapist, your partner’s well-meaning attempts to guide you through emotional conflict may feel more like therapy jargon overload than genuine connection.

Why Real Therapy Is Still the Best Approach

According to research, couples therapy with a licensed therapist offers far better outcomes than DIY therapy.

Trained professionals can navigate complex emotional issues and provide structured guidance, feedback, and accountability that books and podcasts simply can’t.

A systematic review by Cuijpers et al. (2010) found that guided therapy has a significantly higher success rate in treating emotional and relational issues compared to self-help interventions.

Sure, learning about communication skills and emotional intelligence through self-help is great, but there’s a reason real therapy exists—working with a trained therapist helps uncover the deeper, often unconscious patterns driving conflict. Your partner may be able to throw around terms like “active listening” or “emotional regulation,” but only a professional can offer a comprehensive, unbiased perspective that leads to meaningful change.

How to Handle a Therapy-Adjacent Partner

If your partner has gone full therapy-adjacent and is offering therapy-like advice at every turn, it’s important to find balance. Here are some tips for managing the situation with humor and grace:

• Appreciate Their Effort: Acknowledge that your partner is trying to improve your relationship. It’s sweet that they’re invested in your emotional well-being, and it’s worth appreciating their effort—even if it gets a little overboard.

• Suggest Real Therapy: Try saying something like, “I love that you’re so into self-improvement, but maybe we could go to couples therapy together for some extra support.” This gently nudges the conversation toward seeking professional guidance without dismissing their efforts.

• Set Boundaries: If your partner’s therapy-adjacent behavior becomes overwhelming, it’s okay to set boundaries. You can say, “I’d rather talk to you as my partner, not my therapist.” This creates a space for open communication without turning every conversation into a therapy session.

• Laugh Together: Sometimes, the best way to deal with therapy-adjacent tendencies is to laugh about it. The next time they say, “Let’s process this,” you could joke, “Great, let’s process why you still haven’t noticed that I did the dishes!” Keeping things light-hearted can take the pressure off.

Therapy-Adjacent Isn’t a Bad Thing, But It’s Not Therapy

Being therapy-adjacent isn’t inherently bad—it shows that your partner cares about improving your relationship and communication. This is a huge plus in life.

Over all, I’m a huge fan of psycho-education. The fact that this meme exists indicates that real therapy and therapy adjacent is as Twain quipped, “the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.”

In other words, it’s important to remember that real growth often requires more than just a podcast binge or a self-help book. For deeper, more pervasive issues, professional therapy remains the most effective approach.

So, if your partner’s advice feels more like a mini-therapy session than genuine connection, take a step back and consider whether it’s time to bring in the real experts. After all, navigating emotional complexity is hard, and sometimes you need more than a therapy-adjacent pep talk to make meaningful progress. I can help with that.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Cuijpers, P., Donker, T., van Straten, A., Li, J., & Andersson, G. (2010). Is guided self-help as effective as face-to-face psychotherapy for depression and anxiety disorders? A systematic review and meta-analysis of comparative outcome studies. Psychological Medicine, 40(12), 1943-1957. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291710000772

Kruger, J., & Dunning, D. (1999). Unskilled and unaware of it: How difficulties in recognizing one's own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(6), 1121-1134. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.77.6.1121