The problem of contempt in marriage
Tuesday, April 16, 2024.
Unveiling the Menace of Contempt in Marriage: A Deep Dive into Relationship Dynamics
In the intricate web of marriage, one toxic element stands out amidst the fray - contempt. Dr. John Gottman, a luminary in science-based couples therapy, asserts that contempt is not just corrosive; it's the harbinger of relational doom.
Picture this: sneers, eye-rolls, mocking tones - these are the arsenal of contempt, ready to dismantle even the most resilient unions…
Warren TenHouten, a keen observer of social dynamics, delineates contempt as the unholy union of anger and disgust. It's the venom that seeps into the cracks of a relationship, eroding its very foundation.
Contempt isn't a stranger to any stage of a relationship. From the first blush of love to the seasoned years of partnership, its presence lurks, waiting to rear its ugly head.
Gottman, in his sagacious manner, likens contempt to one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a biblical metaphor denoting catastrophe. Alongside Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, Contempt reigns supreme as the harbinger of marital catastrophe.
Arthur Schopenhauer, the erudite philosopher, encapsulates contempt succinctly as the conviction of another's worthlessness. It's the ultimate betrayal of intimacy, signaling the death knell of affection.
But why is contempt such a formidable foe? Gottman's research unveils its ominous prophecy - contempt is the oracle of relational demise. Couples steeped in contemptuous interactions are on a highway to separation, their path illuminated by sarcasm, eye-rolls, and hostile jests.
Contempt isn't just a verbal onslaught; it's a silent killer, wreaking havoc on emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being.
The Gottmans urge couples to heed the warning signs and cultivate a Culture of Appreciation, a shield against the arrows of contempt.
Yet, navigating the labyrinth of contempt requires more than platitudes and well-wishes. It demands a linguistic revolution, a renaissance of emotional vocabulary. Words matter, they're the building blocks of connection. From "peeved" to "snarky," each word carries the weight of nuance, offering a lifeline in moments of discord.
In the realm of evidence-based models, the Gottman Method and Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) stand as beacons of hope. While the former advocates for a cerebral approach, emphasizing self-interest and cognitive shifts, the latter delves into the depths of emotional wounds, offering a pathway to healing through empathic connection.
Contempt, beneath its veneer of disdain, masks deeper wounds of loneliness and disappointment. EFT therapists, like adept excavators, unearth these buried treasures of vulnerability, paving the way for reconciliation and renewal.
Ultimately, the journey out of contempt is arduous but not insurmountable. It requires courage, empathy, and a willingness to confront the shadows within. As couples take that first tentative step towards healing, they illuminate the path to a brighter, more appreciative future.
“In our humanity we need loving connection with others for our very survival – after all, biologically, we are pack animals who subsist through belonging to our pack. Contempt severs us from our pack. It leads us to cut ourselves off from others, pull inwards, and end up alone. Giving appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to connect with those around us. After all, we love to hear good things about ourselves and to be seen for the good we do in the world. Appreciation draws us closer to those who appreciate us, and in turn, when we give appreciation, we draw ourselves closer to those we love. It’s caring for ourselves by being loving.” Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
