The Gospel According to Esther Perel: A Kind Rebuke

Saturday, February 15, 2025.

If the 21st century had a patron saint of infidelity, it would be Esther Perel.

She is the high priestess of complexity, the shaman of sexual transgression, the goddess of "we should really talk about this more openly."

But what if, just what if, some hurt partners feel less like participating in a TED Talk on the joys of deception, and more like curling up in a fetal position with a pint of Häagen-Dazs?

Perel’s rise to relationship guru superstardom is no accident.

She is a spellbinding speaker. She is elegant, erudite, and, let’s be honest, charmingly and exotically European.

Her books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, have been devoured by those looking for a new lens on long-term love.

And yet, in the dimly lit corners of the internet, a quiet but firm rebellion against her gospel has been brewing.

The Chump Lady Rebellion: Infidelity is Not a Beautiful Complexity

On ChumpLady.com, the battle cry against Perel is unequivocal: "She can STFU."

For those unfamiliar, this corner of the internet is a safe haven for people who have been steamrolled by betrayal, gaslit into oblivion, and left to pick up the pieces of their lives after a spouse’s grand "exploration" in the realm of romantic ethics.

Here, Perel’s work is seen not as illuminating but as an elaborate intellectual justification for cheating.

The argument?

That Perel is too sympathetic to cheaters, that she wraps up betrayal in a beautiful French accent and a discussion of eroticism rather than calling it what it is: a breach of trust that shatters lives. Betrayed partners, they argue, don’t need a sophisticated reframe. They need justice, clarity, and a decent lawyer.

Chump Lady is a serious blogger to be reckoned with.

She is also cruel, clever, funny, and a force when as she defends hurt partners around the globe. Chump Lady has opened multiple blistering attacks on Perel, and shows no sign of letting up.

Bookforum’s "Cheater’s Poker": Sleight of Hand with Emotional Fallout

Over at Bookforum, a more measured critique emerges.

Their review of The State of Affairs describes Perel’s work as “crowd-pleasing” but questions whether her framing of infidelity as a natural, even necessary, part of human existence diminishes the very real devastation it causes.

She is praised for her nuance, her intellectual rigor—but the ultimate question lingers: In making affairs palatable, does she erase the suffering they cause?

This is where the discomfort with Perel takes root.

Esther is not wrong in saying that human desire is messy. She is not incorrect in pointing out that some affairs—while painful—do not signal the end of a marriage.

But there’s a point where nuance turns into obfuscation.

Infidelity is not some grand existential riddle to be solved; for Americans in particular, it is a deeply personal act of deception that, for many, ruptures reality itself.

And no amount of poetic discourse can fix the gut-punch of betrayal.

The Medium Post: Why Betrayed Spouses are Not Fans

A deep dive on Medium asks a simple question: Why is Perel so unpopular among betrayed spouses?

The answer is also simple: she does not see them as the protagonists of their own stories. Instead, they become a subplot in the grand narrative of self-discovery, erotic awakening, and the pursuit of "the unspoken desires of the soul."

Perel’s model assumes that affairs happen not because people are selfish or reckless, but because they are suffocating under the weight of their own domesticated existence.

While that may be true in some cases, it is also true that many people cheat because they want to, because they can, and because they assume they won’t get caught.

To frame every affair as some tragic, existential yearning for lost passion is to ignore that, sometimes, people just act like narcissistic assholes.

A Kinder, Gentler Rebuke: Dear Esther, Maybe Some Pain Is Just Pain

Here’s the thing: Esther Perel is occasionally brilliant.

And as a Marriage and Family Therapist with a M.S. in Labor Studies, I found her exploration of relationships in the workplace to be somewhat novel and interesting.

She has taught many that sexuality is not a linear path, that love is complex, and that relationships evolve in unpredictable ways. Her fierce curiosity inclined us to question rigid, moralistic structures that may no longer serve us.

But to the betrayed? To the ones left in the wreckage of their once trusted partner’s "awakening"?

Perel’s intellectual acrobatics can feel less like wisdom and more like an evasion of the plain truth:

That some actions cause irreparable harm.

That not all pain is an opportunity for enlightenment.

That some suffering is just plain, garden-variety meaningless suffering.

Esther is keenly aware of this critique:

 “In America, lying can never be an act of caring.

We find it hard to accept that lying would be protective, this is an unexamined idea. In some countries, not telling, or a certain opaqueness, is an act of respect.

Also, maybe the opposite of transparency isn’t intimacy, it’s aggression. People sometimes tell for their own good, as an act of aggression.” Esther Perel.

Final thoughts

Perel reminds us that "the victim of infidelity is not always a victim." And sure, that’s sometimes true.

But most times, they absolutely fu*king are.

Perhaps, instead of romanticizing betrayal, we should start by acknowledging this raw, unvarnished truth; lying is not protective. Lying is not an “unexamined idea.” Lying is perhaps the most examined idea in the human experiment. Lying is lying, and an emblem of an now inherently exploitative relationship.

Lina knows. Her partner doesn’t. No amount of handwringing changes that.

And if we want to help people heal, let’s begin by affirming that their pain is real, and not just a plot twist in their straying partner’s erotic novel.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

"Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (2006)
This book explores the complexities of sustaining desire in long-term relationships, examining the tension between the need for security and the quest for passion.

"The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity" (2017)
In this work, Perel delves into the intricacies of infidelity, challenging conventional views and offering a nuanced perspective on affairs and their impact on relationships.