The Fight You’re Having Isn’t the Fight You’re In: Why Many Couples Argue About Absolutely Nothing

Thursday, June 19, 2025.

At some point in your marriage—likely while standing in front of an open fridge arguing about mayo—you will feel a sudden existential vertigo and ask:

“Wait… what are we even fighting about?”

This is a sign you’ve achieved Level Two of Relationship Consciousness. Level One is still believing you’re fighting about the actual mayo.

But by Level Two, you’ve begun to suspect something terrifying:

It’s not the fight. It’s the pattern.
It’s not the issue. It’s the invisible emotional contract being violated.

Welcome to the real game.

Why You're Not Arguing About What You Think You're Arguing About

Most couples live in what I call Emotional Misinformation Loops—where your nervous system is screaming “Abandonment!” but your mouth is shouting “WHY ARE THERE THREE OPEN JARS OF MAYO IN THE DAMN FRIDGE ?!”

Let me make it plain:
The fight you’re in is a cover story.

The real story is happening in your body, your attachment history, your unspoken expectations, and your partner’s inability to read your mind like a licensed psychic with a minor in trauma bonding.

And here's the plot twist: They’re not supposed to be able to read your mind. You're supposed to translate your inner terror into words. That’s the whole gig.

Let’s Blame the Brain (Because, Honestly, It Deserves It)

Neuroscience isn’t just for TED Talks and insecure men on podcasts. It's actually useful here.

When couples fight, they’re not operating from the executive suite of the brain (prefrontal cortex). No, you’re in the sub-basement, lighting garbage on fire with your amygdala while shouting half-formed insults you’ll regret by morning.

Flooding—the physiological hijack of your fight-or-flight system—makes nuanced conversation literally neurologically impossible. You are not “bad at communicating.” You’re just trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while drowning in adrenaline.

Your partner becomes a threat. A saboteur. A sworn enemy who somehow both never listens and won’t shut up.

This is not intimacy. This is combat theater with someone you sleep next to.

Why Most Advice About “Communication Skills” Is Bullshit

Let me tell you the secret of every couples therapist who hasn’t been swallowed whole by their own worksheets:

Communication skills are irrelevant if no one knows how to repair after a rupture.

You can “I-statement” your way straight to divorce if you never learn how to come back from rupture.

You don’t need to be eloquent. You need to be willing to look your partner in the eye and say:

“I was being a defensive prick because I thought you were about to emotionally ghost me over a dishwasher.”

That’s not soft. That’s heroic.

The Real Questions in Every Stupid Fight

I don’t care if you’re arguing about where to eat, how you load the dishwasher, or whether sarcasm is a valid communication style (it is, but only when I use it).

Underneath every dumb conflict is one of the following:

• Do I still matter to you?

• Will you show up when I’m not at my best?

• Can you love me in the middle of my mess?

• Are we safe here, or is this all going to blow?

You don’t argue because you're incompatible. You argue because you're interdependent. And no one teaches us how to handle that kind of terrifying closeness.

Repair Is the Relationship Skill No One Teaches

Let’s say you’ve just finished your third “nothing fight” of the week.

You both feel gross, misunderstood, and vaguely interested in Googling “solo retreats near the ocean.”

Before you move into Cold War silence or weaponized cleaning, try this instead.

Step 1: Call the Pattern Out Loud

Instead of re-litigating your case like you’re on Marriage Court: Kitchen Edition, try saying this instead:

“I think we’re doing it again. Where I get loud because I feel ignored, and you get quiet because you feel attacked.”

Naming the cycle is the first step toward exiting it. Otherwise, you’re just two amygdalas flailing in the dark.

Step 2: Stop Arguing the Content. Start Naming the Subtext.

The content is bait. The subtext is the truth.

Don’t say:

“You never listen when I talk about work.”

Try instead:

“I don’t know if what I do matters to you. And when I feel invisible, I get mean.”

If you can’t get that vulnerable yet, fine. Start with this:

“I’m not mad about what I said, I’m actually mad about…”

Boom. Pattern interrupted. Congratulations. You are now in authentic relationship work.

Step 3: Make the Most Pathetic, Honest Bid for Connection You Can Muster

Repair is not about dramatic speeches. It's about awkward courage. Try instead:

• “Can we just start over?”

• “This isn’t how I want to talk to you.”

• “I still love you. Even when we’re awful at this.”

It might land, and then again, it might not.

But it’s the opposite of emotional ghosting—and that matters.

Step 4: Do the Thing You Swore You’d Never Do: Close the Loop

No one likes this part. But it’s how intimacy is built—not in the grand gestures, but in the anticlimactic repairs.

Try:

“I know we didn’t fix the problem. But I feel closer to you now. And that’s enough for tonight.”

Is it a bit Hallmarky? Sure.
Is it what your marriage needs to survive another decade of shared Netflix passwords and existential crises?

Also yes.

What If the Fight Is Always a Test?

What if every fight you have is secretly a pop quiz with one question:

“Can you be kind when you’re scared?”

Most of us fail it. Repeatedly.

But that’s okay.

The good news is, the test is open-book and can be retaken at any time.

Final Thought: Marriages Don’t Die from Big Problems. They Die from Unrepaired Small Ones.

Your partner isn’t the enemy. They’re the mirror you keep trying to smash when you hate what you see.

Try setting it down gently. Try saying instead:

“This fight isn’t the fight. But you’re still my person. Can we figure this out together?”

Say it like you mean it. Or at least like you’re willing to get to the state where you start to mean it.

Because the couples who make it?

They learn how to lose the argument but win the moment.

Be Well, Stay Calm, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the Love Lab. W. W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Fillo, J. (2009). Attachment insecurity, support provision, and marital satisfaction: An integrated analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(4), 627–646. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016326