Toward a Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy Model

Wednesday, January 15, 2025.

Imagine sitting across from Marcus Aurelius in a serene therapy office.

Instead of asking, “How does that make you feel?” he begins with, “What are you choosing to think about this situation?”

Stoic philosophy, with its focus on emotional regulation, values-based living, and acceptance of life’s impermanence, offers a compelling framework for modern relationships, if we’re willing to give it a second look as an MFT model.

In this post, we’ll delve deeply into Stoic writings to discuss what a Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy (SMFT) model might look like.

Along the way, we’ll explore power dynamics, compare Stoic principles to Gottman’s research and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and discuss the contrasts between modern “personhood” approaches to therapy and my hypothetically more ancient“values-based” models.

The Stoic approach emphasizes cultivating resilience, fostering virtue, and promoting harmony through a framework that might be profoundly relevant in 2025.

The Foundations of a Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy Model

Emotional Regulation Over Emotional Escalation

Stoicism teaches that emotions are not inherently bad; rather, they result from our judgments. Marcus Aurelius writes, “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” In therapy, this translates to:

• Practical Strategy: Helping partners pause before reacting. Borrowing from the Stoic “pause,” therapists might teach couples to reflect on the root of their emotions (“Is this about my partner’s actions, or my interpretation of those actions?”). By identifying cognitive distortions, partners can replace reactive responses with thoughtful ones.

• Comparison to Gottman: Gottman’s research highlights physiological self-soothing during conflict to prevent escalation. Stoicism complements this by equipping couples with mental tools to reframe triggering events, providing a philosophical underpinning to Gottman’s practical techniques.

Present-Moment Focus: The Here and Now of Relationships

Stoics emphasize the power of the present moment. Epictetus states, “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?” For couples, this means:

• Practical Strategy: Introducing mindfulness practices that center gratitude for the present state of the relationship. Couples learn to focus on immediate opportunities for connection rather than replaying past grievances or fixating on future anxieties.

• Modern Context: EFT often explores past emotional wounds to build trust and attachment. A Stoic model would integrate this but focus more heavily on cultivating strength and alignment in the present, ensuring that the relationship’s trajectory is grounded in intentional action rather than regret.

Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth

Marcus Aurelius’ observation, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way,” applies directly to relational conflict.

• Practical Strategy: Conflict is reframed as an opportunity for learning and strengthening the relationship. Couples are guided to ask reflective questions such as, “What does this disagreement reveal about our shared values, and how can we align ourselves more closely with them?”

• Therapeutic Insight: Viewing conflicts constructively enables couples to build resilience. For example, partners may see disagreements about finances not as divisive but as a chance to clarify priorities and develop trust.

Power Dynamics: Balancing Virtue and Equality

A Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy Model would require a commitment to virtue, which inherently promotes fairness and justice. Seneca writes, “No man is free who is not master of himself.” In SMFT:

• Addressing Power Dynamics: Partners are encouraged to reflect on how power manifests in their relationship. Are decisions equitable? Is one partner assuming a disproportionate share of emotional labor? Justice, a core Stoic value, requires that both partners wield their power in ways that serve the relationship rather than themselves alone.

• Modern Comparison: Modern therapy often emphasizes reclaiming personal autonomy. Stoicism, by contrast, shifts the focus to mutual empowerment. Partners ask not only, “How do I ensure fairness for my personhood?” but also, “How do I act virtuously to support equity?”

Values Over Feelings: The Ancient vs. Modern Debate

Modern therapy often revolves around individual personhood and emotional fulfillment. A Stoic model, however, would rather prioritize alignment with universal values such as integrity, courage, and responsibility. For couples:

• Practical Strategy: Partners work together to define and articulate their shared values. Exercises might include drafting a “Virtue Statement” for their relationship, centered on principles like mutual respect, honesty, and patience.

• Modern Contrast: Where EFT emphasizes emotional accessibility and bonding, SMFT frames relational growth as a byproduct of virtuous action. Emotional intimacy is seen not as an end in itself but as a natural outcome of living in alignment with shared principles.

The Impermanence of Life: Cherishing Relationships

Like the existential pessimists, The Stoics remind us of life’s brevity. Marcus Aurelius writes, “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do, say, and think.” This perspective encourages couples to:

• Practical Strategy: Adopt gratitude rituals such as reflecting on their relationship’s preciousness each day. Exercises like writing letters of appreciation to one another can help couples internalize this awareness.

• Therapeutic Insight: Acknowledging life’s impermanence fosters perspective, reducing the weight of trivial disagreements and emphasizing the value of shared time.

How Stoic Therapy Handles Power and Emotional Regulation

Power dynamics are central to many modern relationship issues. A Stoic therapist would:

• Encourage Self-Mastery: Both partners reflect on their internal responses to perceived inequities. Marcus Aurelius’ advice, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one,” inspires action rather than blame.

• Promote Equity: Justice requires partners to examine how emotional and practical burdens are distributed. The therapist facilitates conversations about redistributing responsibilities to ensure fairness.

Comparing Modern Therapy Models: Gottman, EFT, and Stoicism

• Gottman’s Science Meets Stoic Philosophy

  • Gottman’s emphasis on managing conflict through respect aligns with the Stoic practice of rational self-regulation. Stoicism deepens this by encouraging reflection on the values underlying each interaction.

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) vs. Stoicism

  • While EFT prioritizes emotional vulnerability to build secure attachment, Stoicism emphasizes the more differentiated stance of rational self-awareness and mutual virtue as the foundation for connection. With the right therapist, these approaches can complement each other by integrating emotional depth with philosophical clarity.

• Values vs. Personhood

  • Modern therapy is marinated in individual self-actualization. Stoicism reorients focus toward shared virtues and mutual growth, balancing personal and relational needs.

Bringing Stoicism to Modern Therapy

Exercises for Couples:

• Virtue Journaling: Each partner journals daily about how they practiced virtues like patience, courage, or humility in their relationship.

• Memento Mori Moments: Begin each day with a brief reflection on life’s impermanence to cultivate gratitude.

• The Stoic Pause: When conflict arises, practice pausing to consider: “Is this about my partner, or my interpretation of their behavior?”

• Shared Reflection on Virtues: Schedule regular discussions to evaluate how well both partners are embodying shared values in their actions.

The Therapist’s Role:

A Stoic therapist acts as a guide, helping couples:

• Identify and align with shared values.

• Develop emotional resilience and self-regulation.

• Approach conflict with a growth mindset rather than a win-lose perspective.

• Foster equity and justice in the relationship through actionable insights.

A Marriage of Ancient and Modern Wisdom

The Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy model might offer some intriguing insights for modern relationships.

By focusing on values over feelings, practicing emotional regulation, and addressing power dynamics with humility, couples might cultivate resilience and harmony.

As Marcus Aurelius might have said, “Love is not something you find; it is something you build, moment by moment, with virtue as your foundation.”

These ideas might not hold much appeal in an era of rampant Cultural Narcissism.

But for those of my gentle readers who are intrigued, consider that the integration of Stoic philosophy into therapy is not a rejection of modern approaches but perhaps a deepening of them.

A Stoic Marriage and Family Therapy model would require deliberate practice, intentional alignment with shared values, and the priority of cultivating of mutual respect.

Frankly, few couples are situationally inclined to foster exclusive, enduring bonds that withstand the challenges of life and flourish in a shared commitment to virtue and growth, but I’m grateful to count many among my clients.

In other words, when you grapple with Stoic ideas, your modern mileage may vary.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.