“Normal Marital Hatred”: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Grow Through It
Saturday, July 19, 2025.
Coined by one of my favorite therapists, Terry Real, the “normal marital hatred” phase describes a moment—often early in long-term commitment—when one or both partners look at each other with cold clarity and think:
“I absolutely can not stand you. What have I done?”
It’s not poetic.
It’s not filtered through a couples therapist’s Instagram page.
But it’s deeply honest—and completely normal. Most long-term relationships go through this phase. In fact, some go through it multiple times.
This isn’t hatred in the clinical or abusive sense. It’s the rupture that occurs when:
Projection collapses (you stop seeing them as your fantasy).
Reality kicks in (they’re flawed and not changing).
And your nervous system, wired for protection, registers this mismatch as a threat.
Especially in neurodiverse couples—where partners may have profoundly different ways of thinking, feeling, or expressing love—this disillusionment can feel even more jarring.
Why Does It Happen?
Let’s break it down:
The End of the Honeymoon Phase
During the early stages of love, both partners are awash in dopamine, oxytocin, and a good dose of idealization.
You don’t fall in love with a person; you fall in love with a story.
But stories wear thin. People snore. They leave dishes in the sink. They shut down instead of engaging.
Or they pursue you relentlessly when all you want is five minutes of silence. At some point, reality asserts itself.
The Power Struggle Stage
Most developmental models of relationships—like the Bader-Pearson developmental model—identify this phase as differentiation, where each partner must learn to hold onto their sense of self without disconnecting or trying to dominate the other.
You begin to see each other more clearly. The blinders come off. That’s not failure; that’s the beginning of authentic intimacy.
Emotional Processing Mismatches (Especially in Neurodiverse Couples)
This phase hits especially hard in neurodiverse partnerships, where emotional regulation, communication, and sensory sensitivity often differ drastically:
One partner may process emotions quickly and want to talk now. The other may need space and time to identify and name internal states.
One might crave eye contact and verbal affirmation. The other may express connection through practical gesturesor shared routines.
A neurotypical partner may interpret flat affect or lack of reciprocity as detachment, while an autistic partner may feel flooded and overwhelmed, not indifferent.
This mismatch can produce layers of mutual misinterpretation that deepen the "hatred" into something resembling existential despair:
“We speak different emotional languages. How can we ever understand each other?”
The truth is, both people may be acting in good faith—but still feel utterly disconnected.
What Does It Feel Like?
Deep irritation with everyday habits.
Resentment over carrying invisible emotional or logistical loads.
Grief for the fantasy of what you thought this marriage would be.
Panic: “Is this what the rest of my life is going to fu*king feel like?”
An internal tug-of-war between loyalty and loneliness.
And if neurodiversity is involved, you may also feel:
Unseen, even when your partner is trying.
Constantly misread or misunderstood.
Like you’re walking on eggshells, or always getting it wrong.
Overwhelmed by emotional labor, especially around communication repair.
Is This the Beginning of the End?
No. It's more like the middle of the beginning—if you handle it right.
When couples encounter the “normal marital hatred” phase and don’t panic, they discover something extraordinary:
You don’t need your partner to change into someone else.
You need them to show up as they are—and learn how to love and be loved in a more grown-up way.
This is where love shifts from feeling to practice. As Terry Real says:
“Love is not a feeling. It’s a verb.”
This is also where neurodiverse couples in science-based couples therapy can begin the hard, rewarding work of building shared frameworks for emotional connection—ones that don't depend on sameness, but on curiosity, respect, and accommodation.
What Helps?
Normalize the Disillusionment
Let clients know: This is part of the path.
Every meaningful relationship will include periods of rupture and ambivalence. It’s not a sign you chose wrong—it’s a sign you’re moving out of fantasy.
Practice Differentiation
Don’t collapse into fusion or polarity. Stand in your truth without turning your partner into the villain. Learn to say:
“This isn’t working for me. I want to understand how we got here. And I still want us.”
Couples therapy models that emphasize neurobiological attunement, repair work, and emotional regulation are most effective here:
Gottman Method
Bader-Pearson Model (developmental stages).
Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy.
Stan Tatkin’s PACT (for nervous system-based work).
Grace Myhill’s work on neurodiverse couples.
Create New Rituals of Connection
Especially in neurodiverse relationships, structured connection often works better than spontaneous emotional vulnerability. Think:
“10-minute check-ins”
“Code word for shutdowns”
“Asynchronous love letters” (written affection instead of spoken)
“Traffic light” systems for overstimulation
Final Thought: Normal Marital Hatred as a Doorway
The "normal marital hatred" phase isn’t about real hatred. It’s about being forced to see clearly—to confront difference, grief, unmet needs, and your own unfinished emotional business.
For neurodiverse couples, the gap may feel a bit wider.
But the bridge can still be built—with empathy, patience, structure, and sometimes a good couples therapist who understands that “I hate you right now” can live side-by-side with “I still want us to work.” I can help with that.
As author Alain de Botton wisely puts it:
“Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.