Micro-mancing & the Magic of Small Things Often
Sunday, February 23, 2025.
Hello, gentle readers! Today, we’re taking a deep dive into a topic that might just melt your heart and tickle your funny bone: the wonder of everyday kindness in relationships.
Forget the grand romantic gestures that Hollywood loves to parade—real, lasting love is built on the small things.
Whether it’s a shared playlist, a perfectly timed meme, or that “good morning” text that makes your day, these micro-acts of affection are the secret sauce to relationship resilience.
In this post, we’ll explore two perspectives that celebrate these everyday moments: Dr. John Gottman’s evidence-based notion of “small things often” and the modern, digital-age twist known as micro-mance.
We’ll also spotlight the work of Howard J. Markman and other researchers who have shown that these tiny acts of kindness really do add up over time.
The Science Behind the Small Things
Dr. John Gottman, a pioneering researcher in the field of marital stability, has long championed the idea that consistent, positive interactions—no matter how small—are the foundation of a thriving relationship.
According to Gottman and his colleagues, it’s the everyday gestures—a smile, a kind word, or even a brief touch—that deposit love coins into your relationship’s emotional bank account (Gottman & Silver, 1999). These “small things often” create a reservoir of goodwill that can help couples navigate the inevitable storms of life.
Howard J. Markman and the Power of Everyday Kindness
Not to be outdone, Howard J. Markman and his collaborators have also delved into what makes relationships tick.
In their seminal work, Fighting for Your Marriage, Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (1994) highlighted that it isn’t the occasional grand overture that sustains a relationship, but the steady stream of positive, everyday interactions.
Whether it’s a spontaneous compliment, a quirky inside joke, or simply remembering to ask, “How was your day?”, these micro-acts of kindness reinforce trust and connection. Think of it as relationship “interest” that compounds over time—a small deposit today can yield big dividends tomorrow!
Adding a Dash of Broaden-and-Build
Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions (Fredrickson, 2001) adds another layer of understanding to this phenomenon.
According to Fredrickson, small moments of joy and kindness can broaden our awareness and build lasting personal resources, including stronger bonds with those we love. So, that silly meme or a shared laugh isn’t just a fleeting moment of amusement—it’s a tiny brick in the foundation of a robust, enduring relationship.
What Is the Broaden-and-Build Theory?
Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory tells us that positive emotions do more than make us feel good for a moment—they expand our minds, open our hearts, and help us build lasting personal resources.
Think of it like this: every time you share a laugh, a kind word, or even a playful meme, you’re broadening your emotional horizons.
Over time, these small bursts of joy help you build a reservoir of resilience, creativity, and connection that can weather life’s inevitable storms (Fredrickson, 2001).
Building Your Love Bank, One Smile at a Time
Dr. Fredrickson’s research shows that positive emotions help us think more expansively and flexibly.
That means each little act of kindness—a morning “good luck” text, a surprise playlist curated just for your partner, or even a cheeky meme shared during a hectic day—adds to an emotional bank account.
Over time, these deposits build a safety net, making it easier to bounce back from stress or conflict.
A Nod to Gottman and Friends
While Fredrickson’s theory gives even more data behind those fleeting moments of joy, relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman have long argued that it’s these small, daily acts of kindness that keep the love fire burning (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Where Gottman talks about “small things often” as the deposits in our emotional bank account, Fredrickson’s research additionally explains how these moments literally broaden our thinking and build our inner strengths.
It’s like having a double shot of espresso for your relationship—one that energizes both heart and mind!
Real-World Love, Served in Bite-Sized Portions
Micro-mancing: A Modern Love Language
If Gottman and Markman provided the scientific backing, Micro-Mance is the contemporary, Instagram-ready expression of these principles.
What Is a Micro-mance, Anyway?
Instead of waiting for a milestone anniversary or a once-in-a-lifetime gesture, The Micro-mance is how couples today celebrate love through the everyday. A shared Spotify playlist becomes a living diary of your relationship, an exchange of witty texts is a secret language of love, and that perfectly timed meme? It’s the digital equivalent of a warm hug.
When a Meme Is More Than Just a Laugh
Ever received a perfectly timed meme from your partner that just made your day?
That’s Micro-mancing in action! It’s not about grand, over-the-top gestures; it’s about the consistent, genuine expressions of care that build trust and intimacy. And, thanks to the broaden-and-build theory, we know that those bursts of joy actually help us become more resilient and creative—qualities that are pure gold in any relationship.
The Coffee-in-Bed Phenomenon
Remember that time when your partner surprised you with coffee in bed on a groggy Monday morning? Beyond the caffeine kick, that small act of kindness broadened your mood and built up your emotional reserves for the day ahead. It’s the perfect blend of science and romance—proving that love, like a good cup of joe, is best enjoyed in small, meaningful sips.
A Humorous Take on Daily Affection
Let’s be real: love in the digital age can sometimes feel like navigating a labyrinth of emojis and viral challenges.
But that’s part of its charm! Micro-mancing is playful, spontaneous, and refreshingly real. It’s like saying, “I adore you” with a wink and a nudge, reminding us that while love is serious business, it’s also meant to be fun. And who wouldn’t want to feel adored when someone goes out of their way to share the perfect song that sums up your relationship?
Bringing It All Together
At its heart, both Gottman’s “small things often” and the trend of Micro-mancing remind us that it’s the little acts of kindness—those seemingly insignificant moments—that form the backbone of a strong, healthy relationship.
Whether you’re depositing daily love coins into your emotional bank account or curating a relationship playlist that evolves with you, these micro-gestures matter more than you might think.
So next time you send that “just because” text or share a funny meme, remember: you’re not just being cute—you’re building a lasting bond. It’s a reminder that while grand gestures are lovely, the true magic of love is found in the small, everyday moments that, together, create something extraordinary.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best-seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. New York, NY: Jossey-Bass.