How to Use Soft Start-Ups in Couples Therapy

Thursday, February 13, 2025.

On the battlefield of love, how you fire the first shot matters.

Let’s discuss soft start-ups, a tool from the gospel of Dr. John Gottman.

They're the difference between a grenade and a peace offering.

According to Gottman, 96% of conversations that start soft end well. Hard start-ups? They’re the verbal equivalent of friendly fire—painful, avoidable, and, frankly, dumb.

Soft Start-Ups: A Lesson in Decency

A soft start-up says, “Hey, I care about this conversation, and I care about you.” It’s a graceful opening to a hard truth. You use feelings, not blame. You ask for what you need without torching the village. Most importantly, you do it without sarcasm—because sarcasm, friends, is just cruelty with a wink.

The Science Behind Soft Start-Ups (Brains Love Soft Landings)
Gottman’s research shows that soft start-ups soothe the nervous system. No fight-or-flight. No limbic explosions. Just two humans with prefrontal cortices doing their best not to ruin the night. So it goes.

Crafting the Perfect Soft Start-Up (It’s an Art, Not a Script)

• Lead with ‘I’ Statements: “I feel lonely when we don’t connect.” Not “You never…”—because “you never” is verbal napalm.

• Stick to Facts: “We haven’t had a date night in weeks.” It’s a report, not an indictment.

• Ask for What You Want: “Could we plan one this weekend?” A request, not a demand.

• Keep It Brief: One issue at a time. No monologues. Save the memoir for therapy.

• Mind Your Tone: Soft doesn’t mean meek. It means kind.

A Side-by-Side: Harsh vs. Soft Start-Ups:

• Harsh: “You never listen to me.”
  Soft: “I feel unheard. Can we talk without distractions?”

• Harsh: “You’re always on your phone.”
  Soft: “I miss our conversations. Could we have some phone-free time?”

In the Therapy Room (A Lab for Connection):
Therapists, this is where you earn your keep. Role-play these start-ups. Model them. When a couple gets it wrong—and they will—pause, rewind, and replay. Awkwardness is part of the rehearsal.

Why Soft Start-Ups Work (and Why Couples Should Care):
Soft start-ups are emotional shock absorbers. They de-escalate, defuse, and—when used well—dismantle resentment. Research shows couples who repair early argue less and love longer. They are the lucky ones who choose connection over correctness.

Final Thought: Practice Makes Progress

Let’s talk about the essential take-away.
Soft start-ups aren’t magic—they’re muscle memory. Use them daily, and someday, they’ll feel as natural as breathing. And when they do, you’ll have something rare: a relationship built not on perfect agreement, but on occasionally good-enough grace.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.