Why Young Women Are Still Dating Men They Don’t Believe In: The Rise of Heteropessimism in Modern Relationships
Monday, March 31, 2025.
There’s a peculiar new flavor of romantic disillusionment making the rounds on TikTok, Reddit, and even therapy offices.
It’s called heteropessimism—a term coined to describe a growing trend, especially among young women, of voicing disappointment in heterosexual relationships while continuing to participate in them (DaCosta, 2022).
Imagine waking up next to someone you don’t trust with your deepest feelings but do trust to remember your coffee order. That’s the vibe.
Heteropessimism: When Disillusionment Becomes a Dating Strategy
Philosophically speaking, heteropessimism is what happens when feminist theory meets Bumble fatigue. DaCosta (2022), who first popularized the term, explains that heteropessimism is a “a performative disaffection with heterosexuality that functions as a safety mechanism.”
In other words, It’s easier to laugh at the idea of finding emotional fulfillment with a man than to risk wanting it.
Love, Lowered Expectations, and a Shrug Emoji
This isn't just a meme. It’s an emotional posture rooted in lived experience.
According to research from the Pew Research Center (2023), 63% of women under 30 believe that finding a partner who meets their emotional needs is “very difficult” in the current dating culture. Among men of the same age, only 39% say the same—suggesting that the disappointment is not equally distributed.
Resignation Is Not Rebellion: The Psychological Cost of Settling
Unlike misandry, which at least has the energy of contempt, heteropessimism is quiet. Tired.
It’s the romantic version of staying at a job you hate because updating your resume sounds worse.
In therapy sessions, I hear this mood in statements like:
“He’s not emotionally available, but at least he doesn’t cheat.”
“I don’t expect to feel seen anymore. That’s just life, right?”
This is not just interpersonal detachment—it’s systemic.
Women continue to perform the bulk of emotional labor in relationships (Erickson, 2005), and new research shows that when heterosexual couples argue, women are significantly more likely to raise issues constructively and seek repair, while men often withdraw or dismiss (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
When even trying feels futile, numbness becomes a form of protection.
The Role of Digital Culture in Shaping Romantic Disappointment
The dating app economy plays a starring role in all of this.
Swiping culture has created a surplus of micro-rejections and ghosted conversations, and women—particularly those seeking emotional reciprocity—are left to navigate a landscape of low-effort flirtations and "situationships" (Ward, 2023).
The irony is that women have more autonomy than ever before, yet emotional satisfaction has not risen accordingly.
As digital dating researcher Fay (2020) notes, increased choice does not always translate into increased connection.
Instead, it can lead to what she terms “romantic fatigue”—an exhausted ambivalence about whether love is worth the effort.
Why Do They Stay? A Lesson in Practical Disillusionment
If heteropessimism is so bleak, why are people still dating? The answer lies somewhere between economic realism and existential dread.
Economic interdependence still shapes many relationship decisions.
In the current decade, women still are more likely to be underpaid (Hegewisch & Mefferd, 2022). They are also more likely to assume caregiving responsibilities, and more likely to internalize the idea that emotional sacrifice is part of partnership (Hochschild & Machung, 2012).
And then there’s the loneliness.
According to the American Psychological Association (2023), loneliness rates among young adults have doubled since 2010. Many people would rather be in a mediocre relationship than face the void of disconnection.
Can Heteropessimism Be Cured? Or Is This the New Normal?
This isn’t just about straight women and their sad boyfriends.
It’s about a generational crisis of romantic imagination.
If the cultural message is “don’t expect too much,” then even the idea of striving for mutual transformation becomes suspect.
But perhaps this is the part of the story where the narrator pauses and wonders aloud: What if disappointment isn’t the final chapter?
Researchers studying romantic idealism (Aron et al., 2000) found that couples who maintain positive illusions about their partner are more satisfied in the long term.
In other words, a little well-placed hope and perhaps the occassional fierce loyalty can be psychologically protective—even if it means occasionally being wrong.
That’s not a call to ignore red flags. It’s a call to notice when we’ve stopped even looking for the green ones.
From Shrug to Spark
Let’s make something perfectly clear. Heteropessimism is not a failure of women to be optimistic.
It is a reasonable response to decades of romantic imbalance, supported by cultural scripts that normalize male disengagement and female over-functioning.
But it doesn’t have to be the final word.
It’s not a failure of romantic imagination, it’s more like a temporary collapse. But a crisis it is. We should ask more about it in therapy.
Love isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just been stuck in a group chat with no one responding.
So, go ahead. Go to couples therapy. Ask for more. Build some skills together. Even if he says, “Huh. That sucks.” You never know—he might surprise you and say, “Tell me more.”
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
American Psychological Association. (2023). APA report on loneliness and mental health. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/loneliness-mental-health
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
DaCosta, K. (2022). Heteropessimism. New York Times Magazine. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/03/magazine/heteropessimism.html
Erickson, R. J. (2005). Why emotion work matters: Sex, gender, and the division of household labor. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67(2), 337–351.
Fay, B. (2020). The Tinder Paradox: Choice Fatigue and Romantic Cynicism in Digital Dating. University of Chicago Press.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Hegewisch, A., & Mefferd, E. (2022). The Gender Wage Gap: 2022 Earnings Differences by Race and Ethnicity. Institute for Women’s Policy Research.
Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (2012). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home (Rev. ed.). Penguin.
Pew Research Center. (2023). Dating and relationships in the digital age. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/02/02/dating-and-relationships-in-2023
Ward, J. (2023). The emotional labor of the "situationship": Managing ambiguity in modern romance. Sociology Compass, 17(4), e12987.