Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last? Science and Social Media Say “Sort Of”
Tuesday, October 7, 2025.
“Nice guys finish last.”
It’s a phrase that lives rent-free on Reddit threads and TikTok captions, usually next to screenshots of men lamenting why women always choose jerks.
A new study in the Journal of Research in Personality backs up the complaint—at least partly.
Researchers surveyed 3,800 adults across Australia, Denmark, and Sweden. They found that agreeable men—those who are kind, patient, and cooperative—were slightly less likely to be in relationships.
By contrast, extroverted men did better, and anxious men struggled most.
For women, agreeableness made no difference, shyness wasn’t a penalty, and being a little neurotic actually helped (Fors Connolly et al., 2025).
Here’s the twist: once a couple forms, the very qualities that slowed men down in dating predict greater relationship satisfaction.
Long-term studies confirm that warmth and patience are what sustain marriages long after the apps are deleted (Malouff et al., 2010; Weidmann et al., 2017).
It’s also the sort of tidy story evolutionary psychology loves—but one that culture complicates every time.
Why Nice Guys Finish Last on Dating Apps
On r/dating_advice, one highly-upvoted post explains:
“Being ‘nice’ isn’t attractive when it just means you have no preferences. If you agree with everything I say, I don’t think you’re kind. I think you’re boring.”
This is the essence of the nice guy syndrome.
Online, agreeableness doesn’t show up as warmth—it shows up as inertia. It’s like the old Sicilian proverb “a man without enemies, is a man without qualities.”
TikTok’s #niceguy tag (over 1.2 billion views) is full of DMs that begin with “you’re beautiful” and end three messages later with “you’re a stuck-up btch.”*
Dating apps amplify status cues—the very thing the problems with evolutionary psychology debate keeps missing: culture changes the signals.
The Assertiveness Economy
Dating markets reward initiative. Assertiveness—a facet of extraversion—predicts who gets dates (Back et al., 2011). It explains why so many men on r/NiceGuys complain:
“Why do women ignore guys like me who’d treat them right???”
—while their chat logs show nothing but “hey … hey … ?”
If you want the evo-psych version, see human mating and intimacy (Gad Saad vs. critics)—and why the culture war over mating never ends.
The Stereotype Tax
“Precarious manhood” theory (Vandello et al., 2008) explains why men who display visible worry often get punished. On TikTok, one stitched clip captures the bind perfectly:
“I want a man who communicates his feelings.”
cut immediately with:
“Yeah, but not like… every single fucking one of them.”
The message: men must perform confidence or risk being seen as weak.
Preferences vs. Choices
Speed-dating experiments (Eastwick et al., 2008) show that people’s stated preferences for kindness don’t predict who they choose.
They aren’t lying; they’re just responding to loud, visible signals in a five-minute round.
In real life, what makes women trust a partner is costly action, not claims—another reason “nice” needs to be visible, not declared.
Quick Take
Nice guys finish last in dating.
But they finish first in long-term relationship satisfaction.
Apps reward charisma; marriages reward kindness.
Short-term success often rides on dark-trait confidence; see psychopathy and casual sex for how that plays out in data.
Case Studies in the Culture
Keanu Reeves: proof that agreeableness works when paired with confidence and presence. His subway politeness goes viral because it’s visible and magnetic.
Pete Davidson: the internet’s Rorschach test. Vulnerable, funny, and assertive—his appeal shows that “kind but interesting” beats “nice but inert.” Charisma helps at entry; what makes you attractive: playfulness keeps you interesting.
The Nice Guy™ meme: On Reddit, the “™” signals performance: “I’m such a gentleman, why won’t women line up?” It’s niceness as entitlement, not empathy.
That magnetism has a cost; the Dark Triad and mental health shows why the “bad boy” arc burns hot, then burns out.
For maintenance, see the power of playfulness in relationships—play is one of the most underrated buffers against stress and boredom.
What Works (The Practical Bit)
If you’re a man, the solution isn’t to be less kind. It’s to make kindness legible by bolting it to a spine:
Make concrete asks: “Drinks Wednesday at 7 near X?” > “We should hang sometime.”
Signal standards: “You mentioned you love jazz—I’d love to take you to that new club.”
Show altruism in action: volunteering, mentoring, caring—things visible, not claimed.
Frame nerves as values-based: “I get nervous before first dates because I care about showing up.”
FAQ (Because Everyone Asks Anyway)
Q: Do women actually want jerks?
A: No. They want confidence. Jerks just fake it louder. See narcissism and infidelity for why short-term wins rarely translate into trust.
Q: Should I act less nice?
A: Absolutely not. Keep the kindness—just add visible initiative.
Q: Why do women say one thing and do another?
A: Same reason you say you want to eat healthy but still order fries. Short-term appeal isn’t long-term health. For more cultural angles, check out what is monkey branching?.
Q: Is there hope for agreeable men?
A: More than hope. Once you’re in, kindness is one of the strongest predictors of happiness—for both partners. Think about the micro-obsessions in relationships that can erode love—nice guys often excel at managing them gracefully.
My Bottom Line
Rom-coms lied: sincerity is not the ticket in. It’s the reason people stay.
The dating market rewards charisma and bravado; the marriage market rewards patience and kindness.
If you’re a so-called “nice guy,” you’re not failing—you’re simply running the race designed for mile 20, not the starting gun.
If you’ve been told you’re “too nice,” or if dating feels like rejection on repeat, therapy can help. I can help that.
We work on balancing warmth with confidence—so you don’t have to choose between being kind and being chosen.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Back, M. D., Schmukle, S. C., & Egloff, B. (2011). A closer look at first sight: Social relations lens model analysis of personality and interpersonal attraction at zero acquaintance. European Journal of Personality, 25(3), 225–238. https://doi.org/10.1002/per.789
Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., Mochon, D., & Ariely, D. (2008). Selective versus unselective romantic desire: Not all reciprocity is created equal. Psychological Science, 19(4), 317–323. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2008.02082.x
Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66. https://doi.org/10.1177/1529100612436522
Fors Connolly, F., et al. (2025). Personality traits and romantic relationship formation: A cross-national study. Journal of Research in Personality. (Reported in The Times, Oct. 7, 2025).
Malouff, J. M., Thorsteinsson, E. B., Schutte, N. S., Bhullar, N., & Rooke, S. E. (2010). The five-factor model of personality and relationship satisfaction of intimate partners: A meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(1), 124–127. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2009.09.004
Mõttus, R., Pullmann, H., & Allik, J. (2012). Toward more readable Big Five personality trait facets: Exploring consensus in lay ratings. Journal of Research in Personality, 46(3), 351–358. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2012.03.002
Vandello, J. A., Bosson, J. K., Cohen, D., Burnaford, R. M., & Weaver, J. R. (2008). Precarious manhood: Men’s anxiety about gender identity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(6), 1325–1339. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012453
Weidmann, R., Ledermann, T., & Grob, A. (2017). Big Five traits and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of self-esteem. Journal of Research in Personality, 69, 102–109. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2016.06.001