Brat vs. Demure: The Modern Dating Dichotomy in a Digital World

Sunday, February 9, 2025.

Once upon a time, before TikTok algorithms could decide our dating personas, people simply were.

Now, thanks to the vast neural net of social media, we find ourselves choosing between two archetypes that have taken over modern romance: Brat and Demure.

They are two sides of the same performative coin, and like all good internet memes, they probably started as a joke. But here we are.

The Genesis of the Brat & Demure Archetypes

The Brat persona, for the uninitiated, is not just playful—it is an entire philosophy of controlled rebellion.

The Brat is a flirtatious troublemaker, the kind of person who pouts when they don’t get their way but knows exactly how to manipulate the situation to their advantage. A brat is, in short, a paradox—an insistent, defiant submissive.

The term borrows heavily from BDSM subcultures, where “bratting” is a well-documented behavior (Easton & Hardy, 2003). It has since escaped the dungeon and taken refuge in mainstream dating, rebranded by influencers who make feigned frustration look sexy.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have Demure.

This persona is about subtlety, grace, and the gentle art of appearing unbothered by anything in the world.

The Demure archetype embodies restraint and femininity in a way that recalls 19th-century etiquette books but with a minimalist Instagram aesthetic. She is mindful, self-possessed, and never brash. If Brat is an exclamation point, Demure is an ellipsis.

A Tale of Two Digital Eras

To understand the rise of Brat and Demure, we must go back to the early 2010s—an age where the Cool Girl (as outlined by Gillian Flynn in Gone Girl, 2012) reigned supreme. The Cool Girl ate burgers, laughed at sexist jokes, and never got mad. She was a lie, but a compelling one.

By the late 2010s, the pendulum swung in the opposite direction—women were now encouraged to demand, to challenge, to be difficult.

This is where the Brat persona began to rise. With social media reinforcing performative femininity, the Brat became a counterpoint to the toxic agreeability of the Cool Girl.

Around the same time, Demure emerged as a rejection of the overt, chaotic energy of influencers and attention-seekers. A return to elegance, to quiet luxury, to being desired but never desperate.

The Social Science of Digital Courtship

The question remains: Why do these roles persist?

Cultural theorists suggest that social media amplifies archetypal thinking.

Studies on digital identity construction have shown that the online self is often fragmented and exaggerated (Turkle, 2011).

TikTok and Instagram create micro-trends that turn personality traits into consumable aesthetics. These personas, in turn, function as branding tools in the modern dating economy—designed to attract mates in a world where every interaction is potentially a performance.

Evolutionary psychology may also play a role.

The Brat persona capitalizes on the theory of mate selection through challenge (Buss, 2003)—humans find obstacles intriguing. Meanwhile, the Demure archetype taps into cultural scripts of high-value desirability—less available, thus more sought after.

But Are We Losing Ourselves?

Here’s the rub: At what point does performativity replace authenticity?

Experts have raised concerns that these personas could lead to a loss of genuine self-expression (Finkel et al., 2012).

By leaning too hard into an archetype, we may find themselves playing a character rather than engaging in a real emotional connection.

So, are you a Brat? A Demure? Or are you just someone scrolling through TikTok at 2 a.m., wondering why you suddenly care?

The internet doesn’t just reflect reality—it reshapes it. And in the case of Brat vs. Demure, it has given us yet another choice to perform.

But let’s be honest: The algorithm was going to make us pick a side eventually.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Buss, D. M. (2003). The evolution of desire: Strategies of human mating. Basic Books.

Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2003). The new topping book. Greenery Press.

Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66.

Flynn, G. (2012). Gone girl. Crown Publishing Group.

Turkle, S. (2011). Alone together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other. Basic Books.