7 Rules on How to Stop a Bully

Sunday, October 12, 2025. This is for Viv, who is dealing with two terrible bullies.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor E. Frankl

The first time you’re bullied, you rarely really know for sure.
You just notice the laughter feels wrong — sharp instead of warm — and that somehow you’ve become the entertainment.

Years later, the scenery changes.

Cafeterias become Slack channels; locker rooms turn into group texts. But the choreography remains the same: one person reaches for power by shrinking another.

Bullying isn’t strength — it’s scarcity. Scarcity of empathy, of vocabulary, of self-worth. It’s a cheap illusion of control that predates civilization but now travels faster through Wi-Fi.

The good news? Psychology has studied this play for decades, and the ending can change — the moment you stop auditioning for a part in someone else’s insecurity drama.

Here’s how to stop a bully — without losing your dignity, your job, or your humor.

1. Name the Behavior, Not the Person

Bullies survive on fog. Your clarity is kryptonite.

Say it quick and clean:

“That’s disrespectful.”
“That’s not appropriate.”

This is behavioral labeling (Olweus, 1993). By naming the action rather than attacking the actor, you move the spotlight. You stop being the victim and become the narrator. And once you start narrating, their performance loses air.

2. Stay Cool — They Want the Show, Not the Facts

Every bully is a director casting for your emotional outburst.

Breathe slowly. Keep your tone steady. Make eye contact only if it grounds you — not to prove you’re unafraid.

Emotion-regulation research shows calm body language robs aggressors of social reward (Gross, 1998).

Think of it as emotional aikido: you redirect force instead of absorbing it. They expect a scene; you hand them silence or well-regulated brevity.

3. Build an Audience of Allies

Before they humiliate, bullies isolate. That’s their groundwork.

Counter it early: loop in coworkers, classmates, friends, or safe family members.

When bystanders speak up, bullying incidents drop by more than 50% (Craig, Pepler, & Atlas, 2000). Ask for witnesses, not warriors.

Presence alone can usually change the room’s chemistry.

Even quiet solidarity can frustrate the bully. You stop being a target and become part of a team.

4. Boundaries Aren’t a Debate Club

A boundary is not a negotiation; it’s a conversational hardscape.

“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“We’re done here.”

That’s limit-setting — clear, brief, consistent (Linehan, 2015). Speak your words flatly, without emotion.

Boundaries lose their power when you turn them into TED Talks. You’re not explaining your worth; you’re enforcing your personal zoning laws around it.

5. Document Everything (Especially Online)

Bullies thrive on plausible deniability. “It was just a joke,” they say — bully code for I need you to doubt your reality.

Don’t. Keep screenshots, dates, and details. Keep notes on what they said, and how they said it.

Documentation isn’t paranoia — it’s pattern recognition. It converts chaos into evidence and feelings into hard data.

Nearly one-third of U.S. adults report workplace bullying (Namie, 2021). And the difference between “He’s just like that” and “Here’s the timeline” is the difference between surviving and solving.

6. Escalate Like a Professional, Not Like a Plaintiff

If boundaries don’t hold, escalate — but do it like an investigator, not an avenger.

Bring documentation. Stick to observable facts.

“On March 2nd, he mocked my stutter in front of clients.”
Not: “He’s a jerk.”

Fact-based reports lead to quicker and fairer resolutions (Rayner, Hoel, & Cooper, 2002). Authority figures respond to clarity, not catharsis. Don’t rage — report.

7. Protect Your Sense of Self

The real damage of bullying isn’t the insult — it’s the corrosion of your belief that you deserve respect.

Therapy, art, exercise, prayer — anything that helps you re-anchor your worth — is self-concept repair (Kernis, 2003). It’s how you rebuild internal coherence after chronic invalidation.

Every time you refuse to internalize contempt, you turn poison into compost.

That’s what healing is: growing your personal resilience out of something that is situationally cruel.

Here’s something you must know. Most bullies never really want to improve. And it’s unwise to expect any change from them.

Quick Recap: How to Stop a Bully

✅ Name the behavior, not the person
✅ Stay calm — they want a reaction
✅ Build allies and keep records
✅ Escalate strategically
✅ Protect your self-worth

When the Bully Shares Your DNA

Sibling bullying hides in plain sight. It’s the first rehearsal space for humiliation — tucked between toy chests and family dinners, disguised as “teasing.”

Most parents miss it, because sibling cruelty often looks like play with bad timing. But developmental research shows otherwise: chronic sibling bullying predicts higher rates of depression, anxiety, and self-harm in adulthood (Bowes et al., 2014; Tucker et al., 2013).

The home becomes a stage where the audience never leaves and the jokes never end.

Unlike school bullies, sibling bullies know the exact pressure points — the secret nicknames, the private insecurities, the parental blind spots.

And because “you’re family,” you’re told to forgive instead of protect yourself. That’s how the cycle survives: in homes that confuse endurance with closeness.

In therapy, adults often recall these early dynamics not as single traumas but as atmospheres — years spent negotiating for peace in a kingdom of double standards. The older sibling’s sarcasm becomes a leadership style; the younger one’s appeasement, a relational reflex.

If this sounds familiar, start with the same rules I already mentioned:

• Name the Behavior. (“That’s not teasing — that’s cruel.”)

• Set Boundaries. (“I’m not discussing this with you anymore.”)

• Build Allies Whenever Possible. Sometimes the healthiest ally is distance.

• Contemplate Emotional Cutoff. Sometimes estrangement is, ironically the only way to be heard.

Sibling bullying complicates love because it trains you to confuse attention with affection. Healing means unlearning that lesson — reclaiming the right to be loved without performance, to exist without flinching.

The Thread That Connects Them All

Whether the bully sits next to you in a meeting or across from you at Thanksgiving, the choreography doesn’t change — domination disguised as concern, control dressed as humor, cruelty framed as “just being honest.”

Bullies don’t always wear badges; sometimes they share your last name.

And what unites every form of bullying — schoolyard, workplace, or family — is the same ancient hunger: the need to feel tall by making someone else small.

Therapy teaches that breaking this cycle isn’t about confrontation; it’s about repatterning.

You learn not to flinch, not to explain, not to audition. You learn that silence can be sovereignty, and that peace isn’t something you win — it’s something you stop surrendering.

When Sibling Bullying Grows Up

Some sibling bullies don’t stop — they just get better at disguising it.

Childhood taunts evolve into adult microaggressions: backhanded compliments at holidays, jokes about your career, subtle digs about parenting or money. The performance matures, but the script stays the same: one person keeps score, the other keeps peace.

When marriage and family therapists talk shop, we call this the homeostasis of dysfunction — the quiet, unconscious agreement that everyone will play their part (Bowen, 1978). In many families, the bully remains the emotional center because everyone orbits their moods, their judgments, their disapproval.

You learn to self-edit before Thanksgiving. You rehearse emotional neutrality like it’s a survival skill. And you begin to confuse peacekeeping with authentic peace.

But sometimes, adulthood offers the freedom childhood didn’t: the freedom to opt out.

Estrangement, when it happens, isn’t always an act of anger; often it’s an act of stoic realism.

Researchers have found that sibling estrangement frequently arises not from single conflicts but from a chronic pattern of disrespect and the exhaustion of being the family’s emotional translator (Gilligan et al., 2015).

You stop calling not because you hate them, but because you finally love yourself enough to stop being bait.

And yet — your guilt may linger.

Final thoughts

Our culture worships reconciliation. I tend to be a fan as well, but only when it’s a mutual endeavor.

“Family is everything,” folks say, as if DNA were some sort of solemn moral contract.

But It’s been my life experience that family is a system, not a destiny.

You can love family from afar, wish them healing, and still refuse to reenter the war zone with them.

Setting boundaries with a sibling bully isn’t betrayal; it’s emotional border control.

And sometimes, the bravest act of love is exile — ending the performance before it does even more damage..

FAQ

1. What’s the difference between bullying and conflict?
Conflict is mutual; bullying is one-sided domination (Olweus, 1993).

2. How can adults stop workplace bullying?
Document incidents, stay composed, involve HR early. Specifics outperform emotion (Rayner et al., 2002).

3. What should I teach kids about bullying?
Model calm assertiveness. Encourage them to report, not retaliate. Bystanders hold quiet power (Craig et al., 2000).

4. Can therapy help if I’ve been bullied?
Absolutely. Trauma-informed therapy rebuilds self-trust and emotional regulation (Linehan, 2015).

Closing Thoughts

Bullies aren’t powerful; they’re rehearsed. The act ends the instant you refuse to play your part.

Stopping a bully isn’t about dominance — it’s about dignity. And dignity, once practiced, drilled, and rehearsed, will eventually become emotional muscle memory.

Call to Action

If you’ve been targeted — at work, online, or at home — know this: you’re not overreacting; you’re awakening. I can help with that.

Document what was said, and practice calm like it’s armor. Dignity is a learned language, and it’s never too late to become fluent.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Craig, W. M., Pepler, D., & Atlas, R. (2000). Observations of bullying in the playground and in the classroom. School Psychology International, 21(1), 22–36.

Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.

Kernis, M. H. (2003). Toward a conceptualization of optimal self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 14(1), 1–26.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Namie, G. (2021). 2021 Workplace Bullying Institute U.S. Survey. Workplace Bullying Institute.

Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do. Blackwell.

Rayner, C., Hoel, H., & Cooper, C. L. (2002). Workplace Bullying: What We Know, Who Is to Blame, and What Can We Do? Taylor & Francis.