The Great Domestic Labor Hustle: 6 Ways Some Men Gaslight Their Partners About Chores

Saturday, November 30, 2024.

Let’s talk about domestic labor inequality and the invisible load.

It’s the never-ending sitcom rerun nobody asked for, starring an overworked woman, a couch-loving man, and a sink full of dirty dishes that doubles as a marital Rorschach test.

Every chore becomes a battleground, every vacuuming session a referendum on fairness.

But here’s the kicker: some men have perfected the art of seeming clueless while keeping their leisure time intact.

And by "art," I mean gaslighting—subtle, frustrating tactics that make women question whether they’re asking too much for simply wanting a partner, not an extra child.

So, let’s roll up our sleeves, grab some rubber gloves, and dive into the six greatest hits of household gaslighting, peppered with social science research to keep things spicy.

“Stop Nagging Me”

Ah, the ultimate play: reframing reasonable requests as nagging. If she doesn’t ask for help, it’s her fault nothing gets done. If she does ask, she’s branded a nag faster than you can say “double standard.”

Here’s a fun fact: a 2018 study found that women’s concerns in heterosexual relationships are often dismissed as “emotional” or “excessive,” while men’s complaints are framed as “logical” and “rational” (Katz & Eldridge, 2018).

So, next time you feel tempted to use the “nagging” defense, maybe consider that her “nagging” is just effective communication you’ve chosen to ignore.

“She Just Needs to Ask for Help”

Let me get this straight: you live in the same house, use the same dishes, walk past the same pile of laundry—and yet you need her to tell you to help?

This argument relies on the charming premise that women are both house managers and taskmasters, with the full responsibility of noticing, delegating, and following up.

The mental load here is real. Sociologist Susan Walzer (1996) coined the term “mental labor” to describe the constant planning and organizing women do to keep households running smoothly. Asking her to add "manage your chores" to her mental checklist? That’s not teamwork—it’s freeloading.

“But I Work, and She Doesn’t”

This classic gaslighting move ignores some basic math. A stay-at-home parent doesn’t clock out at 5 PM; they’re on the job 24/7. The idea that working outside the home absolves someone of all household responsibility is laughable.

Time-use studies consistently show that women—whether employed or not—spend more hours per week on household chores and childcare than men (Bianchi et al., 2012).

Even in dual-earner households, women shoulder the lion’s share of unpaid labor. So unless you’re pulling all-nighters at the office, this excuse doesn’t hold water—or mop floors.

“We Just Have Different Standards”

Oh, heavens..the audacity!

This one rebrands laziness as a philosophical difference. He’s fine with dirty dishes, sticky floors, and the mysterious smell in the fridge. You, on the other hand, are portrayed as a neat freak with unreasonably high standards.

But let’s be real: there’s a difference between debating whether the towels need to be folded in thirds or halves, and whether the children should have clean clothes.

A 2019 study found that men often underestimate the amount of work women do at home and overestimate their own contributions (Carlson & Lynch, 2019). The problem isn’t different standards—it’s sometimes no standards.

“We Do Different Chores, and She Doesn’t Notice the Work I Do”

It’s true: in many homes, chores are divided along gendered lines.

But let’s crunch the numbers. Does mowing the lawn twice a month balance out daily cooking, cleaning, and childcare? Spoiler: no.

Research shows that “masculine” chores like yard work and car maintenance are typically less frequent and less time-consuming than “feminine” chores like cleaning and cooking (Coltrane, 2000). If you’re still relaxing while she’s scrubbing the bathtub, you’re not pulling your weight—you’re holding her down.

“She’s Hormonal and Irrational”

This one is straight out of the Gaslighting Hall of Fame. By blaming hormones for her perfectly valid frustrations, men discredit women’s concerns and paint them as overly emotional.

Yes, hormones can affect emotions.

But that doesn’t mean her request to share the load is irrational. In fact, dismissing her as “hormonal” is both sexist and lazy—a way to dodge accountability while reinforcing harmful stereotypes.

Fun fact: A 2021 study found that dismissing women’s emotions as “hormonal” or “irrational” contributes to long-term dissatisfaction in relationships (Fischer et al., 2021). Translation: it’s not just bad manners—it’s bad for your marriage.

The Too Specific/Not Specific Enough Trap

Bonus round! Here’s how it works:

1. She asks you to wash the dishes. You wash only the dishes—and only after dinner—and ignore everything else.

2. She asks you to “take more responsibility” for household chores. Suddenly, you’re demanding a detailed instruction manual, pretending not to understand what “responsibility” means.

This cycle of malicious minimal compliance keeps her frustrated and you comfortably clueless. It’s a strategy so clever, it’s almost admirable—if it weren’t so infuriatingly passive -aggressive. You can do better than that.

The Bottom Line

Domestic labor inequality isn’t just about messy kitchens or forgotten trash bins.

It’s about respect, accountability, and shared responsibility.

Men (and women) who use gaslighting tactics to avoid their fair share aren’t just dodging chores—they’re undermining the foundation of an equal partnership.

I had a client who told me his wife who, despite having a doctoral degree, rarely cooked, cleaned, or earned for more than half their 27 year marriage.

While both genders have been known to freeload, frankly, it’s overwhelmingly men who tend to shirk domestic tasks.

So, gentlemen: the next time you’re tempted to dismiss, deflect, or diminish her concerns, try this instead—just do the damn dishes.

Be Well, Stay Kind and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bianchi, S. M., Sayer, L. C., Milkie, M. A., & Robinson, J. P. (2012). Housework: Who did, does or will do it, and how much does it matter? Social Forces, 91(1), 55–63.

Carlson, D. L., & Lynch, J. L. (2019). Housework, parenting, and inequality: Understanding the gender gap in time use. Social Science Research, 80, 125–137.

Coltrane, S. (2000). Research on household labor: Modeling and measuring the social embeddedness of routine family work. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1208–1233.

Fischer, J. L., Vidrine, R., & Fletcher, L. (2021). Emotional invalidation and marital satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(3), 742–757.

Katz, J., & Eldridge, L. (2018). Gendered communication patterns in conflict resolution: The influence of stereotypes. Journal of Interpersonal Communication, 23(1), 89–105.

Walzer, S. (1996). Thinking about the baby: Gender and divisions of infant care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234.