How Three Psychologists Discovered a Simple Trick to Make Couples Argue Less (And It’s Not Just “Be Nicer”)
Wednesday, February 12, 2025.
Dr. Emily Impallomeni, Dr. Jacob L. Stiegler, and Dr. Brittany McGill are the kind of people who look at the world and think, Maybe relationships don’t have to be so hard.
This makes them optimists, which is not always a safe thing to be when studying human relationships.
In 2020, while most of us were busy overcooking sourdough and side-eyeing our quarantine partners for breathing just a little too loudly, these three researchers had a question:
Can people argue less just by pretending to be someone else for a few minutes? Yup.
So, they did what good scientists do: they found 716 Americans who were sheltering in place with their romantic partners and asked them about their most recent argument. The participants—who had plenty of fresh material to work with—wrote about fights over money, parenting, COVID precautions, and, presumably, who left the wet towel on the bed again.
Then, the researchers split them into two groups:
The first group wrote about the argument from their own perspective, which is how humans typically process conflict—by reinforcing their own sense of rightness.
The second group was asked to step into the shoes of an imaginary neutral third party, like a wise mutual friend, an old mentor, or maybe just the family dog, who doesn’t pick sides but would very much like everyone to calm down.
Two weeks later, the researchers checked back in.
And guess what?
The people who tried to see their fight from a neutral perspective reported 30% fewer disagreements over the next two weeks.
They also had 51.3% fewer incidents of relationship aggression, meaning less yelling, less passive-aggressive dishwashing, and fewer moments of considering life as a hermit.
Why This Matters (Besides the Obvious)
Conflict is a feature, not a bug, of romantic relationships. You live together. You make decisions together. You co-own a fridge. You will, at some point, want to fight about what’s inside it.
But research has shown that it’s not whether couples fight that determines relationship happiness—it’s how they fight.
Some couples resolve conflict like seasoned diplomats, and their relationships tend to be stronger, happier, and full of good cholesterol.
Others communicate disagreements like a reality TV reunion episode, and—shockingly—this takes a toll on their mental and physical health.
The COVID-19 pandemic made this even worse. Stress levels skyrocketed. People got into arguments about masks, hand sanitizer, and whether or not the cat was getting too used to them being home.
That’s why this study is so interesting: it suggests that one simple mental trick—pausing to see an argument from the outside—can make a real difference. It helps people step out of their own defensiveness, see the bigger picture, and maybe—just maybe—fight a little less like medieval warlords.
What’s Next?
Being scientists, Dr. Impallomeni, Dr. Stiegler, and Dr. McGill are not satisfied with just saying, Well, that was neat! They want to know more.
Can this perspective shift work long-term?
Are there even better ways to phrase the instructions to make it more effective?
If one person in a relationship does this, does their partner naturally start arguing less too?
Can we use this same trick to get people to stop fighting on the internet? (Unlikely, but worth a shot.)
The good news is that this is an easy, free, and instant thing anyone can try. The next time you find yourself mid-argument, pause and think:
"What would a neutral, well-intentioned third party say about this?"
Worst-case scenario, you still disagree—but maybe with a little less yelling. Best-case scenario, you learn to see your relationship from a wider lens, where small conflicts stay small, and your love story isn’t just a series of escalating debates about thermostat settings.
Either way, my couch might see a little less of you.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Impallomeni, E., Stiegler, J. L., & McGill, B. (2020). The effects of adopting a third-party perspective on romantic conflict: A randomized controlled trial. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Holmes, B. M., & Johnson, M. D. (2021). The impact of COVID-19 on romantic relationships: Evidence from a national survey. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(4), 1113-1131.
Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences: How stress hinders adaptive processes in marriage. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(3), 435-450.
Markman, H. J., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Peterson, R. (2013). The importance of conflict resolution for relationship satisfaction and stability. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 39(2), 123-138.